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Random Thoughts: During
band camp yesterday, I noticed my
clarinet friend and her
freshman clarinet buddy giving me a strange look. I didn't know what to think, but I wasn't too put off by it. Later that day, she came up and gave me a
surprise consoling hug and was like "Ohh...they were telling me how that they thought that that person over there (meaning me) was probably a nice person and all, but that they just thought my
nose ring was really scary."
Sometimes I wonder about being so open about things that are important to me. Although it might be hard to understand, piercing for me is an intensely personal thing, and whatever benefit or reaction other people have from it is purely incidental and secondary. Seeing my roommate move in tonite (see:
August 21, 2000), and knowing my parents and friends, makes me wonder how open is too open. I've always been a shy person, and I haven't ever denied the way I felt or tried to convince myself that I was anything other than me. My reaction throughout
highschool was always to just hide anything that would bother other people. This seemed to work well. It was probably the root of my intensive introspection.
It's all these things that I hide that make me start wondering: My parents don't know about my nose ring. Why? They'd be upset. Is it a lie to not tell them? Or is it better to just avoid the unwinnable inevitable argument? My friends told me never to get my septum pierced. I did. I just didn't tell them. They don't know. With a retainer, there's no reason that they would.
Or, If people ask me if I'm gay, I'll say, not gay, just a little bisexual. I never actually tell anybody I feel that way. I'm not very strongly bisexual, because I can probably count on one hand all the people of my own gender that are appealing to me, but it would be a lie to tell it differently. Even my best friend from highschool doesn't know that. She wouldn't care in the least, but...I just haven't gotten around to it.
Or, I'm an extremely emotional person, but I'm afraid to show it around people, becuase a lot of people don't enjoy having to deal with other's emotions, and it scares them. I wish I could just cry when I need to (like
now), or give people hugs when they make me happy, or just let it out and not feel like I'm bothering people.
Or, even here on
Everything, where I feel fairly comfortable letting things out that I don't normally tell people, I find an urge to be a-gendered.
*shrug* It's an unconscious action on my part.
Perhaps it's just me, but I've never found the line between offending people and being myself. I want to believe idealistically that there is no line. That people don't have the right to be offended. That I would be much happier if I could be myself at all times and not hide things about myself that I don't want other people to know. I just hate conflict. It hurts me deeply to offend and hurt other people, even if it's just by being myself. In turn, I hurt myself by doing that, by telling myself that it's not OK to be me. But I don't know where to draw the line. I oscillate wildly between wanting to never tell anybody anything again and telling everybody everything.
And I say all that...but
I don't feel like drawing lines tonite.