Have you ever kept hope for a day that would never come?
You see, I'm clinging to the hope that someday I will cease to be alone. I dream of a day where I will have someone to care about, and have that someone care about me. I find myself creating future memories of a family - a fuzzy blur of a fictional wife and fictional children. Then my life snaps back to reality, and I find myself sitting at my computer, or in my office. But I keep hope for that one day.
Today, I realized that very hope is beginning to drive me insane.
You'd think it a simple task to rent a video. I used to think so too. I brought my video to the serpentine to pay for my rental and then I see her.
She's stunningly beautiful, but it's a natural "cute" beauty. I manage to blurt out a few words of casual small talk. She smiles, and returns the favor. We had not met but a mere 10 seconds prior, and my mind is already screaming at me to make damn sure to see her again. I consider asking her out sometime, but Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt take over and stifle my thoughts.
She begins collecting the multiple receipts that spew from the register, and we share a laugh regarding the quantity. I give her one last look, a quick 'Thank You', and I exit the store.
...and regret it immediately after.
I don't think it's pride that keeps me from requesting the company of women....it's self conciousness. I don't fear rejection, but I fear what I will be like AFTER a rejection. I also have an adversity to appear to be something I'm not. I don't wish to appear as Just Another Guy(tm) who is asking this beautiful woman out sometime.
I think that's what keeps me from making any spontaneous moves such as that. I haven't found a way to convey the fact that I'm not Just Another Guy. I am myself, and am like no one else. But if I were to ask her out, in her eyes, I would appear to be the guy who asked her out last week. Or the week before. Or her ex boyfriend making his first move.
I don't want that. It's a matter of first impression.
The fact that I have always been alone contributes to the idea that it will continue to be this way. I am by no means a perfect physical catch. I'm out of shape, short, and awkward. But if I ever had the chance, I would care about that special someone better than they would ever hope to be cared for.
And so begin the daydreams, eventually coming to an abrupt halt upon the realization that I am, in fact, alone.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.