You guys don't know what you're talking about. Here are some of the real rules of dorm living...
- Never, NEVER drink from the water fountain on the first day back to school. Chances are good that that water has been sitting in the pipes for months and months. It has thusly absorbed copious amounts of lead, zinc, formaldahyde, poop, and other tasty ingredients.
- Always line your wastebasket with some kind of plastic bag, because some dufus is inevitably going to come along and spit out his gum, dump his beer, or toss his cookies into that thing. If you don't have a liner or a handy hose on the spot, you get to live with the stuff dried for eternity on the bottom of the wastebasket.
- Learn to love rap music, because there is always some idiot who is so sure that everybody loves his rap that he plays it loud enough for everyone on the floor and the floors above and below to hear.
- Don't use your ethernet connection to download gigabytes of warez and mp3's every day. Authorities have a tendency to shut off your port with extreme predjudice.
- Bunk the beds. Trust me, that space is priceless.
- The guy with the car always makes a good friend.
- The guy with the car can be bought.
- Buy the carpet with the built-in padding. More expensive, but worth it all the way.
- At night, a laser pointer is your first, best weapon against the people in the building across the street.
- Dorm Food Rules
- Never eat anthing with "wrap" in the name.
- Pay attention to what they have on Monday. Say they have pot roast. On Tuesday, it's probably okay to eat the meatloaf they they will undoubtedly have. On Wednesday, try the sloppy joe at your own risk. On Thursday, steer clear of the beef stew. On Friday, a good way to end your pain and shuffle off this mortal coil is to enjoy a nice beef wrap.
- It's okay to take anything you want out of the cafeteria. Cereal, salad, sides of beef, it's all good. Just make sure you have a big enough school bag to conceal it in.
- Fork Sculptures are fun. Make sure to come up with a good name, though, like "Man's Search for Meaning" or "Dude Pissing on Himself."
- If it's a nugget, it has to be good.
Don't bother trying to sleep before a big test, because somebody will invariably pull the fire alarm at 3:00am and you'll have to evacuate the building for half an hour.
Janitors charge at least $1000 extra per-hour to do stuff that no human should ever be asked to do, like mopping a floor with rollerblade scuff marks or cleaning up spilled popcorn. This means that all people on the offending floor must be charged large fees when such atrocities occur.
Don't poop in the shower.
If you masturbate in the shower, don't make ANY noise.
The best way to get your roommate to come home is to be naked and/or masturbate.
When coming back to your room, never burst through your door quickly, as your roommate will be naked and/or masturbating.
Giant heaps of dirty laundry have a tendency to achieve conciousness and run away, so be careful!
Hope this helps all you recent
high school graduates and dorm junkies. Enjoy!