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The thing about CPTSD is.

It can be years later and your bullshit will still boil up from underneath on a good day (or a bad), and strangle your shit for an hour, a day, a week.

It took one mention of the ex-fiance who called himself Imhotep from a week ago. I was engaged to the guy fourteen, fifteen years ago, and haven't seen him in about as long. And now, here comes the sickening helplessness and memories of what I now am calling rape up.

I want to go vomit, and/or remove my brain and put it in a jar for a bit.

later, morning- Apparently what happens when I go to bed early is I wake up early. Two to three hours early - went to bed around 10:30pm, woke up around 4:30am. I feel calmer, but there's no getting back to sleep. Also, no coffee until groceries are delivered.