She doesn't say anything, doesn't respond when you ask her if the
piano music is loud enough, just calmly stares off into the distance. Other people bustle through the
house while I just sit there, wondering what she is thinking.
She's dying of cancer, and I have never watched someone die before. I've known people who have died, some by drinking, one by a bullet, and one by an axe. But they all happened as something far away, not close.
My mom asks her if she wants to have
pea soup or
macaroni for her dinner, and she doesn't reply, doesn't move a muscle. We manage to get her attention with some
Indonesian deserts I had brought from lunch. My uncle leaves to do some work, and my mother busies herself in the
kitchen. I sit, and I wait, for something that I hope doesn't come, but I slightly wish would hurry up.
They talk as if she's already dead, how they are going to divide up the estate and the like. I never thought I would see someone sign a check to pay for their own cremation, but I now have. She doesn't seem to mind, she seems to see that it's better to get this out of the way, so her children won't have as much hassle when she dies. Still, I don't know if I could bring myself to sign my own bill for cremation.
I said my goodbye to her on
Saturday before I left for my flight, leaned over and embraced her, and felt her tears on my shoulder. I rarely cry, but that was the last I will ever see of her. Before I walked out the door, I gave her a
silent kiss on her
forehead; just below the
wool cap she wore to hide her
lack of hair.
She is in much pain, she gets a morphine patch every three days which seems to help, along with numerous medications to help her suffering. Nothing to stop the cancer, as it is terminal.
I do not feel one emotion at a time, as many
linear thinkers would have me believe. Now I feel many emotions. I want her to die, right now, so that she will be free of her days of waiting, waiting for the end. I want her to die so she will be out of her pain. But I want her to live to see all the things I see, all the beauty I have yet to show her. I want her to die because I love her, but I want her to live because I love her more.
I go to school soon, and I can only wait. Every time I hear the phone ring, I imagine it's my uncle, and I watch for my mother's smile to disappear. But no, it's a telecommunications company with another plan.
While I know it is coming, that doesn't stop this. I miss her, and she isn't even gone. I miss the her that she used to be, that
vibrant and exciting woman that I loved. But all I can do now is wait.
So I wait.