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Satsuma: a popular fruit, and more exactly a mandarin, in Europe although sadly lacking from the American repertoire. However, fruit are rarely classified as games, and so to qualify for the Quest, I shall provide details of the game Satsuma, much enjoyed by those at our school who invented it.

Satsuma is played on a tennis court, and resembles doubles tennis in that it features four players. However, each of these four players are to play against one another, which evidently opens up unlimited opportunities for cheating, fighting and profanity; a proper private school game if ever there was one. Each player uses only one square of the court, and the tramlines and rear area are not involved.

Players begin the game with fifteen of the eponymous Satsumas, and lose one every time they lose a point; the rules governing loss are most similar to tennis, since missing the ball or failure to return it are the key offenses. Reaching no satsumas results in the player becoming a so-called "bomb kart", who can no longer win but must play on nevertheless - the game relies on the sporting nature of the participants at this time. When only one player has Satsuma's remaining, he is declared the winner, whereupon some kind of naked dance is often displayed.

As is traditional with improvised games, a large number of superfluous rules are in effect, and Satsuma owes much to Mornington Crescent in this respect. As may have occured to you, playing Satsuma on a standard court, as we are forced to, is less than ideal since there is only one net present where two are required, at right angles, to seperate the players. At this stage, I dare to introduce the K426 rule, or one of it's regional varients, which states that serving into such a square is illegal, as is playing a shot which would hit the hypothetical net. Wherever possible, the game thus degenerates into a brawl, with each player armed with a tennis racquet and an assortment of colourful language.

On hand to resolve such combat is the "modestus", or referee, although he is usually more than willing to partake in a little hand-to-hand if the occasion allows.

Rankings are not kept since that seems too much like hard work, but the beloved Mr Goatee is one of our finest players. However, he may be moving to the Over 65s category soon.

This is only a brief outline of the rules. A full copy of the rules can almost certainly not be obtained, since they number into the thousands and are entirely self-contradictory. Nevertheless, play Satsuma if you dare. It beats shaving Ewan McGregor's head, although I don't believe that was ever offered as a games option.