There's been a lot of hand-wringing in the media lately about today's “spoiled athletes” and sports' “loss of innocence.” You know, the general “back in my day...” kind of crap. Recently, this is most often connected to the exposure of steroid use in baseball, America's innocent and glorious national pastime (or so countless crappy newspaper columnists would have you believe).

Well bullshit.

From the beginning, baseball has been the sport of uncouth louts. A dirty game populated with cheaters, drunks, gamblers, womanizers and drug addicts. And I'm only talking about the players here, let's not forget about the racist, money-grubbing team owners. But like most everything else in America, people like to believe that there was some unspecified time in the past where everything was so much better/easier/more pure, hence the modern shock and dismay at the sports news of today.

It is with this in mind that I bring you a very special document. In 1898, the National League was the only game in town when it came to professional baseball, the American Association had gone out of business in 1891, and the American League wouldn't come into existence until 1901. Still, they were worried about presenting a good product, and they wanted to stave off a potential PR problem before it got out of control. So I bring you possibly the most offensive official Major League baseball document ever.


In a contest between two leading clubs during the championship season of 1897, the stands being crowded with patrons of the game, a gentleman occupying a seat in the front row near the players bench, asked one of the visiting players who was going to pitch for them. The player made no reply. He then asked a second time. The gentleman, his wife who sat with him, and others of both sexes, within hearing distance, were outraged upon hearing the player reply in a loud, brutal tone, “Oh, go fuck yourself.”

On being remonstrated with by his fellow-players, who told him there were ladies present, he retorted he didn't give a damn, that they had no business there anyhow.

This shocking indecency was brought to the attention of the League at the Philadelphia meeting in November, 1897, and a committee was appointed to report upon this baseball crime, define and suggest for it a remedy.

In response to nearly one hundred communications addressed to umpires, managers and club officials, soliciting definite, positive and personal knowledge of obscene and indecent language upon the ball field, the committee received a deluge of information that was so appalling as to be almost beyond belief, showing conclusively and beyond contradiction that there was urgent need for legislative action on the part of the League.

That such brutal language as “You cock-sucking son of a bitch!” “You prick-eating bastard!” “You cunt-lapping dog!” “Kiss my ass, you son of a bitch!” “A dog must have fucked your mother when she made you!” “I fucked your mother, you sister, your wife!” “I'll make you suck my ass!” “You cock-sucker!” and many other revolting terms are used by a limited number of players to intimidate umpires and opposing players, and are promiscuously used upon the ball field, is vouched for by the almost unanimous assertion of those invited to speak, and who are competent to speak from personal knowledge. Whether it be the language quoted above, or some other indecent and infamous invention of depravity, the League is pledged to remove it from the ball field, whether it necessitates the removal of the offender for a day or for all time. Any indecent or obscene word, sentence, or expression, unfit for print or the human ear, whether mentioned in these instructions or not, is contemplated under the law and within its intent and meaning, and will be dealt with without fear or favor when the fact is established by conclusive proof.

By Order of the Committee

[UNMAILABLE. Must be forwarded by Express]