Time for another entry of what I've come to think of as my Depression Diaries.
I heard back about the pitch I made in May. Rejected, as I'd expected, but they liked my writing sample. They encouraged me to send more ideas next time, "especially considering the quality of your writing sample." So, that's not nothing. I fully intend to try again when they put out the next call for writers.
Things at home are still driving me insane. To avoid going on a rant, let's just say I rarely get the house to myself, and I'm the type of person who needs a lot of alone time. I'm still saving up for my own place, which is feeling more and more like it'll never happen. Too many city people have moved here and driven up the housing prices. I know people who are ready to buy, and they can't find anything affordable. I'm starting to consider moving somewhere else. The whole thing depresses me.
I've made an appointment with the local jewelry place to have a diamond ring appraised. It's a family heirloom. I'd planned to keep it and pass it down to my own kids or to a niece or nephew, but that's not happening. My brother seems unlikely to start a family of his own. He's still dating that woman he keeps breaking up with and getting back together with over and over. I've given up on my own love life; I can't stand the idea of dating again. That might change in the future, but right now I really just don't care. I don't think I'll have anyone to pass the ring to, so I may as well find out if it's worth anything. Maybe I can sell it and use the money towards a downpayment on a house.
I finally drove to B. This is the trip I've been wanting to make for the past two years. It involves taking the 400, which up until recently I'd been way too scared to drive on. It has three lanes on each side instead of two, and you need to know which lane to be in so you don't take the wrong exit. It ended up not being that bad. Granted, I only had to take it for about five minutes, but the fact that I took it at all was a personal victory. I met up with an old friend from university who had moved back to the area after living in Edmonton for about 10 years. We sat on a coffee shop patio just a few blocks from downtown, huddled under the umbrella while it lightly rained, and spent the morning catching up.
After that, I drove to the running shoe store. I'd been wanting to go there for the past year, since the stores in my town have a crappy selection. The young woman there gave me a gait analysis and helped me pick out a pair that's supposed to help compensate for my slight overpronation. I only half understand what that means — something to do with my foot rolling inwards too much, I think. I also grabbed a pair of moisture-wicking socks for my longer runs and a $3 pair of sunglasses. I could have easily spent more time in there, if it weren't for the lineup outside the door. Only two people were allowed in the store at a time, and I felt bad about making them wait any longer than necessary.
I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the downtown area, eventually browsing a used bookstore that also sells gemstones, then grabbing a rice bowl from a vegan juice bar. By this time it was raining hard, so I drove to the park and ate my dinner in my car, taking in the view of the lake and wishing I had someone with me. As much as I'd enjoyed seeing my friend, it had left me feeling even more lonely than before I drove up. It hurts to remember how things were, the type of person I used to be and the way things are for me now. Everyone else seems to be doing better than me. I know appearances can be deceiving, and that I should be happy for them and that my own life can still get better, yet I can't help feeling sorry for myself. I'm disappointed in myself, and I don't know how to make things better.
One addendum to that sad paragraph: before I drove to the park, I stopped at the Value Village to drop off a load of donations. I'd been forced to hold onto it for the past three months due to Lockdown #3. One of the bags held items my ex had given me. I was glad to drop it off far away from home, where I had no chance of seeing any of it again.
My concentration for the past couple months has been total crap. I'm not sure why exactly. Probably lots of little things have been adding up and feeling like too much. I'm trying to pull myself out of this brain fog: taking small moments in the day to write down my ideas, or pray, or simply sit still and let myself think. I'm planning to book another doctor appointment and have her refer to me the same counsellor I had before. I think I'm at the point where I've done all I can by myself.
Oh, one more thing to mention is my upcoming camping trip. I booked it for this month. I've never gone by myself before, so that should be interesting. It's one of those things I need to do, to prove to myself that I can do it. I think it'll also help to get away from the house for a night; I wanted to book two nights but could only get one. Anyway, that's where I'll leave off for now.