Feeling angry is so damn exhausting.
The little things you brushed aside a few days past come rushing to the surface. Possible comebacks spring to mind. I fantasize about ridiculous things a person might say to me that would completely justify a blow up on my part. Each word they would say and my responses are played out, the voice in my head becoming so loud I wonder if people around me can hear it. Sometimes I get like that in the car with my dad when he picks me up from the bus station. I stare out the window doing everything I just described and at some point he'll ask me if I said something. It makes me wonder if he secretly hears my thoughts but thinks he's imagining it. And I, the angry daughter, can't bring myself to ask what he thought I said.
Sometimes it's better to never know certain things.
I've been researching chakras. One night at yoga class, the young man teaching it decided that unconditional love would be the evening's theme. As we bent, lunged, and twisted our bodies, he described the heart chakra and how a person might know theirs is blocked.
It touched something in me and I found myself crying, my chest raised by a block in Fish Pose, my head tipped towards the earth, making not a sound but still hoping the others wouldn't see the tears on my face.
I hardly ever cry.
I remember learning about Carl Jung's theory of archetypes in my English class, OAC year of high school, while reading Fifth Business. The Shadow archetype and the way in which the author made reference to it was absolutely brilliant. Feed your bear, and your bear will feed your fire. That was the general idea I got out of it but didn't think much more of it until this past week.
Apparently there are books out there which use archetypes to explain religion. I discovered this while browsing amazon.ca. It actually makes sense, this whole idea of gods and goddesses representing the pieces of ourselves that we must acknowledge. It must be some method of remembering who we are and who we are capable of becoming. After the way that I totally fucking lost myself during those dead years, this whole spirituality thing seems like a pretty good way to go.
I mean, if something as far-fetched as a chakra can affect me so strongly and feel so real, then maybe God* isn't a complete load of crap after all.
*A female version of God