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This will be more of a weeklog, than a daylog, actually.
Sunday night, after having played volleyball with Edward
for the first time since December, I sent him a message via
email telling him that I was happy we had become friends, and
that he had made it very easy for me.
Sending a message such as that causes some level of anxiety.
There was nothing wrong or forward with the content, but honesty
like that can make some people uncomfortable. Particularly
because, about two or three weeks ago, I had told him that I'm
bisexual — he was indulging in
some casual behavior which
was giving me quite a thrill, and I don't like to enjoy that under
false pretenses if the person would have a problem with it if
they knew. Despite his not having any problem with it, I don't
want expressions of friendship to come off as a come-on, and
there is great apprehension that it might be received that way.
This, of course, is much more of a fear when my statement is
made to a man than to a woman, because of the potential for the
perception of a homosexual advance. (Illustrating my
great capacity for worry; I've never had a problem of that sort,
but I worry anyway. It's like my unreasonable fear of bees:
I've only been stung twice in my forty one years, both times by
yellowjackets which I'm told hurt more than your
basic honeybee, but which didn't really hurt much at all;
nevertheless, I'll cross the street sometimes rather than walk
by a bee.)
The next morning, I walk into my office (which I share with Edward),
and before I even get to my desk, he says
"Good morning, Clarence. Thanks a lot for the email". I've noticed
that he and I smile and laugh a lot when we're together, and we
both got an early start that morning.
An amusing thing happened today. I was sitting in Nolan's office
and he opened his mouth to ask me a question, but the first thing that
came out was "Hey, Honey", which is how he usually greets his
girlfriend. I didn't make anything of it, but it was fun to hear (and
provided fodder for a few fantasies....)
Valentine's Day is, of course, torturous for single people who wish
they weren't (single; the people part isn't usually a problem),
especially if they wallow in unrequited love as I do. I had asked
Nolan to lunch on Wednesday, which didn't happen, and I certainly wasn't
going to do so today. Around quittin' time, his girlfriend
arrived to pick him up, and visited my office to drop off
a Valentine candy with "To Clarence" written on it. I greatly
appreciated that, because she has a real problem handling my love
for her boyfriend, and is unpredictably very nice (because she likes
me apart from that aspect) or quite vile. Though the former is
more likely on any given occasion.
Two things happened today which definitely indicate that I'm
making progress in my anti-shyness crusade:
- I attended a reception for Congressman Ron Paul – my hero –
who was in Santa Barbara for some reason.
This in itself is not unprecedented, but I spoke up during the Q&A
session after his talk, and even though I felt my ears burning,
followed up with a clarification after his answer.
- I was on E2 in the evening, when I got a comment from
another noder regarding one of my writeups. Since he
mentions on his homenode that he likes to get phone calls, I
called him and we spoke for a few minutes on the subject of a
maximum wage. I'd give myself a C+ (my heart was pounding and
there was the faintest patina of perspiration on my forehead),
with an A for effort.
C-Dawg's Office Chessboard Cam
Current streak: 46 wins
My last ten or so games have been with Edward,
who is quite enthusiastic and has exhibited marked
improvement as I've been teaching him.