It's hard enough
that the love of my life loves me also, but
that he has a constitution which prevents his feelings from
including eros as well as agape. It doesn't help that I cannot
and am sure
never will be able to understand
the aspect of the
majority of people that makes them require a particular sort of
genitalia on a person in order to love them. I realize that it
could be worse, in that most such people rule out agape as well
when the equipment doesn't match their needs, but Edward is not
that far gone.
So of course it's painful
to me when he takes up with a new girlfriend;
when his wordless statement is that this is the person
I'm now going to share parts of my life with that I won't share
with you, just because you're a man. I've had more than one or two
opportunities to deal with that pain, but
practice has so far failed to make perfect.
Now, while I'm still not a great swimmer, to use a metaphor, I've
been thrown into the deep end: the new woman in his life is a
coworker of both of us. And while he isn't
the type to abandon his
friends when he's got a new girlfriend (a fact which I once remarked
to him and said that I was cognizant and appreciative of it), and
they aren't feeling the need to be all over each other in the office,
nevertheless it feels like a yet deeper circle of Hell
than the previous ones.
And, to nobody's surprise, least of all mine, the cookie and pastry
diet I've adopted lately hasn't helped.