So I get home from work, play some tennis, and head home. At about 8:30, I get a call from my friend Derrick.
"Hey man, I just got back from class. I got a damn B on this big assignment, lets hang out, have some beers, celebrate". Well, why the hell not? Gather up all the necessities for a brief night out (brief because I had to be up at six in the morning the next day (which is, incidentally, the day I wrote this)).
Derrick rode by and picked me up, since he was in the neighborhood anyway. Into his truck, and off we went.
"Yeah, we can pick up some beers from my place, and a bite to eat. I have to come back down here tonight to do my laundry. Oh, did I tell you that I witnessed a death and had to clean it up?" No, you didn't. "Yeah, the old man's brother had a heart attack, fell down and cracked his head on the toilet". Derreck rents a room from an elderly couple, a 79-year-old alcoholic with illegitimate children all across the world, and his Filipino wife.
"Yeah, there was lots of blood. I wasn't shocked, but it was weird. The old man didn't really seem to care. He just said that it must've been his time, and that's it".
We got to his place, and he gave me a watch that used to belong to the dead guy. Apparently, he had a dozen such watches, and nobody wanted them. It still had that gunk between the links on the metal band. We grabbed a bite to eat, packed a few beers, and drove back down to Mike's house. After cracking a few brews, Mike and I got to talking.
According to Mike, he is an ex-hitman, formerly involved in the international drug trade, he has witnessed the death of many friends, he knows personally the creator of the G13 strain of marijuana, and oh yeah, he also knows people in the "black hole hacking group", whatever that is.
Now, if I had to put money on it, I'd call the man a liar. However, if he is a liar (which, I suspect, is the case), he is one of the most plausible and complete liars I've ever encountered. Most of his stories were believable enough, but as the night progressed, the stories became increasingly ridiculous.
The first story of the night was probably the most believable (not that I believe it, it's just the easiest to imagine). We were sitting outside on his porch, and the subject of conversation jumped over to weed. He casually mentions that he knows the guy who invented G13. Naturally, I immediately called bullshit on that. Who wouldn't?
"You don't believe me? Well let me tell you the story, then we'll see if you believe me. G13 was developed in Toronto by a man named Smitty. Smitty had dual citizenship, and he worked for the US Government with a G33 security clearance. He grew weed for the Government. One day, the Government asked him "how potent can you make this?" He says that it's extremely potent as it is, and that he can prove it if he has two volunteers willing to get blazed.
"He ended up with a terminal cancer patient, and a four-star general. Both smoked the same weed, and both had different reactions. The cancer patient ate and ate, and the General just zoned out. The cancer in the cancer patient actually went into remission."
During the time he was telling the story, I was goading him on. I had already decided that he was so full of shit that he could cough up shoe leather, but I do appreciate a finely composed stream of bullshit as much as anyone else.
"Yeah, Smitty owns three houses around Naples, Holiday, and Ft. Myers. The Government bought the houses for him. That's where he grows. The Government takes what he grows from two houses, and they let him keep what he grows from the third house. That's where he invented blueberry, that's where he gets his money. There's only about seven people he sells to."
Sadly, Mike can't get G13 anymore, due to a monetary dispute with Smitty's unfaithful and larcenous wife.
This, out of all Mike's stories, is the least outlandish. I might transcribe more of his stories sometime.
To quote Ricky Fitts, from the movie American Beauty:
"...This shit is G-13. It's genetically engineered by the U.S. Government. It's extremely potent, but a completely mellow high. No paranoia."