Given another month, things have become increasingly precarious. For one, I am on the verge of failing one class and having two other classes passed with marginal grades. Low marks are not a good thing at all, but I just don't seem to care all that much. My math class is still the bugger. But much more interesting things have been going on than that stupid thing.
There seems to be a thing about me that many don't understand: I surround myself with women, am straight, and yet I never have a girlfriend. A close friend pointed this out. We've known each other for a little over two years now and in the time since I have met her, I had a, 'girlfriend,' for all of two weeks. I really don't understand it myself, either. I'm lonely enough that one would think I would attempt to get a girlfriend, yet I don't. I don't understand why I don't, but I just don't. Maybe it has been all the advice to never get involved with a girl I'd have to spend a certain set amount of time around doing routines or not to get involved with a girl in the same dorm. Maybe it's that every woman I've met and come to need, I am too afraid of pushing away by asking if they would consider a relationship. Maybe I just need to divorce myself from the friendship thing. I have friends, but the women are so amazingly supportive and nice to me, that to lose even one of them would be a tragedy. I don't even know.
I learned one of those confusing idiosyncracies of college freshmen: The expectance that out late = getting laid. The first time, a month ago, I arrived late to watch Clerks with Megan and Ben. Late late. I was supposed to be there at 9PM and I arrived at 2AM. The first words out of Megan's mouth, "So, how was it?" I was completely confused until they explained that they expected me to be getting laid because I was so late. However, I was simply enjoying brews and burgers. Disappointment was mutual. A couple weeks following that, I was working on The Ridge with a friend on a math test. Megan, again, was the instigator. She had called and heard said friend giggling in the background due to the, "Please excuse me, my pants are ringing, I should answer them," joke I had made a moment earlier. I arrive, about midnight, to the Haven and visit the neighboring stack's television lounge. A whole room of people gave me an expectant look and their leader, Patrick, says, "So, what've you been up to?" I walk out, knowing exactly what he was meaning. Then, the same friend who was the subject of the second incident implied the same when I mentioned I had spent time over at a friend's place till 2 in the morning a few days prior. I am a virgin. I'm getting over it. I shall be thankful, thank you very much, when Thanksgiving rolls around.
Last week was very interesting. I was flooded, the whole week, with hormones, emotions and impulses. Sure, I get my normal testosterone and impulses, but that was nearly impossible to deal with. Every emotion, ranging from bliss to depression to anger, filled each day. Every impulse, violent, sexual, or otherwise, impaired my ability to focus. Thankfully, it has ended. I'm curious as to what might have caused this, but at the same time, I don't much think it will happen any time soon again.
Thanksgiving is a mere few days off. I'm heading south a hundred miles to a little more mild weather for the better part of the week. Of all the things I am grateful for immediately, the two that stand out are 1) Grilled cheese sandwiches will NOT be on the menu at home, EVER AGAIN! and 2) spending time with a very good friend of mine and many even better friends.