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OFFICIAL, DIVINE, ALL-INCLUSIVE EXCUSE
Worth 15,000 Indulgences
or 3 million years in Purgatory (sorry, no Hell time)
Multi-Purpose Certificate of Forgiveness, Absolution, Reprieval,
Clearance, Immunity and/or Total SubLegal Impunity for
ALL Sins, Transgressions, Intemperances, Vices, Errors,
Failings, Personal Faults, Indiscretions, Lapses, Trespasses,
and Crimes against
MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, LAW, NATURE, and GOD.
The Bearer is a High Priest, Apprentice OverMan Class, of
The Church Of The SubGenius, a religious faith for Scoffers,
Blasphemers, Infidels, Heathens, Pagans, Desecrators,
Cursers, Back-Sliders, Hysterics, Idolators, Heretics, Apostates,
Reprobates, Ranters, Dervishes, Unctuous Canters, Precisians,
Fetishists, Perverts, the Faithless, the Carnal, the Ungodly, the
Impious, the Apathetic, the Indifferent, and the Graceless; also:
weirdos, creeps, morphodites, crips, freaks, superior mutants,
OverMen, wise men and guys, and all members of the
species Homo Correctus: the ethnically all-encompassing SubGenius Race.
The foremost Law of this sacred Church is Total Slack.
To alien space manipulator Jehovah 1 the God of Wrath, the very
concept of "wrong" as it is known on this planet is exactly equal
to the concept of "right," in terms of cosmic usefulness; both are
equal to everything else, at least in theory, and THUS: To restrict the
behavior of any known SubGenius because of social, moral, religious or
"scientific" codes of any mere human making is AGAINST Jehovah 1 and
His Stark Fist of Removal, against His tools the SubGenii, and against
His inscrutable plans to return this world to some lascivious Eden-like
state through whatever method of intervention with human history He chooses,
be it the ignition of atomic war, economic disaster or hostile UFOs.
Therefore: To accuse this righteous member of the Church of any
wrongdoing whatsoever or to otherwise cause him feelings of discomfort --
to take up his Slack in any way -- is to
restrict his freedom of religion,
guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States of America, and to
invite doom upon every living creature on this green Planet of the
Clocks.
WHAT THIS PERSON DID WAS HIS FATED DUTY
AND HENCE JUSTIFIED, SANCTIFIED,
and FOREVER CONDONED.
Authorized by these Official Agents of JEHOVAH 1:
"signed"
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs,High Epopt and Primanimal
Upon the Recommendation of the High Unpredictables
Philo Drummond,OverMan 1st Degree
Witness: Sacred Scribe
Rev. Ivan Stang
DONE in convention by the genetically
programmed consent of the self-morealized SubGenii present, on this the
41 day of the season of 'ung in the year of one of the Lords 2BX
and of the total superiority of the SubGenius Race.
Note: any contradictions apparent in this
certificate are an integral part of the belief system of the Church and are
thus entirely non-contradictory.
for more info send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214