She damn near destroyed my sanity, and it almost cost me my life.
Our relationship, originally was only through Jill. We hated each other at first, she was way to aggressive for me and I was way too passive for her. Jill was caught in the middle, a precarious perch. One day, just after we had finished watching Clare de la Lune; she told me that she and Jane had become lovers, and that she was feeling guilty. I had suspected that they were intimates, so it really wasn’t a shock. I was, and still am, ok knowing that she has a girlfriend. This was not part of the difficulty. Which is not to say that it didn’t force me to adjust how I viewed our relationship. When Jill and I got married, we agreed that it would be OK if we took lovers as long as we were the primary relationship. This was good… while I knew that she had Jane as a lover, I was never directly involved in the sexual relationship, and I had no other lover.
Last December that changed. It was the middle of the month, and the three of us were at home. Jill came to me and told me that she and Jane wanted to give me a gift. Being naturally curious, I asked what they had in mind. Jill and Jane put their hands on my thigh and said: “a threesome.” Naturally, I was game. This is every man’s fantasy, right? Little did I know what it problems it would cause…
At this same time last year, I had just started a new job… I was fired from my old one so my self-esteem was extremely low. I was nervous and sensitive. At the same time, Jill and Jane had just change the nature of our respective relationships. Here I was going to be taking part on their private lives, in addition, I would be fundamentally changing my relationship with Jane. Our relationship had always been based on sexual tension… I would try to feel her breasts and she would tease me with them just out of reach, or even let me feel them every once and a while. The change to lovers was sudden, and it lacked something that I couldn’t define, but wasn’t worried about at the time.
At first, Jane was a sexual dynamo… at least in my eyes. I had, and have, never been with a woman who could go as many times as she can. She was a sex machine, wet at the drop of a hat. There was still something missing, though, but I was too consumed with lust to notice. After a while, the fascination with quantity wore off. The threesomes were not going so well, I always felt very dirty afterwards.
Around March, Jill and I started to have marital troubles that were related to her relationship with Jane, and to mine. I wanted to have a closer relationship with Jane, and at the same time I felt like Jill was monopolizing all of her time. Then to top it all off, Jill was growing increasingly distant. There have always been incompatibilities in our libidos, but hers had seemed to completely evaporate. I was starting to spiral lower, because I thought that Jill was no longer interested in me… That she wanted Jane to be her full time partner. At one point I mentioned to her that I would willingly step out of the way so that she could pursue Jane. She was upset, and that made me feel worse…. I was now so confused that I could only think of dropping everything and starting over. I needed to leave, to get out of here. I began to have serious thoughts of suicide. I’ve always had problems with depression; it’s one of the reasons that I keep my emotions under tight control. This time, though I was beyond hope. It had become clear to me that Jane was using me so that she could have Jill without complaint…. I had become the price of entry so to speak. I began to pay attention more detailed attention to our sex… Jane was never very responsive, and she would do whatever was quickest. She didn’t care if it was the most pleasurable. I should have noticed that she had to be totally tanked to sleep with me. She never had sex with me when she was sober. She also began to manipulate my fears to drive a wedge between Jill and myself. Jill, because of her increased exposure to Jane, had become verbally abusive, and began to treat me as if I were an inconvenience, a nuisance. Jane seized upon this and began to use it as a lever to break our marriage. The dynamic of the relationship had already placed me in the subservient role, my wishes were secondary to those of Jane’s when it came Jill.
I was at rock bottom, and I had started to dig.
I decided in early April that I didn’t want to continue the relationship with Jane. Now it was obvious, even to me, that I was slowly breaking. I began to avoid Jill as much as possible… Hiding in my office when I was home, or working late.
The depression was constant and almost unbearable. I contemplated suicide every time I was alone, thinking of ways that wouldn’t be painful or gruesome. I had finally settled on a bottle of Advil and a bottle of Tequila. I would drug myself to death. It would be better than hanging or cutting my own throat. I never could work up the nerve to do it.