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"Once upon a time, the most successful Democratic leader of them all, FDR, looked south and said, 'I see one-third of a nation ill-housed, ill-clad, ill-nourished.'

"Today our national Democratic leaders look south and say, 'I see one-third of a nation and it can go to hell.'"

- U.S. Senator Zell Miller (D - Georgia),


How do you tell the difference between a Democrat, a Republican and a Southern Republican?

The answer can be found by posing the following hypothetical question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a big black man with a huge buck knife comes around the corner,

He locks eyes with you and screams obscenities, brandishing the knife on high. He begins to charge you. By mere coincidence you find you are carrying a Glock 30 semi-automatic pistol in your hand, ready to fire, and you are an expert shot. You have several seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:

  • Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand, harmlessly?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
  • This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:



Southern Republican's Answer:


(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! *click*.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"



Don't be a girlie-man. Move south and vote Republican.

UPDATE / RANT: (15 Sep 2004)

Gee, fifty-one girlie-men and counting. Seems like quite a few noders had an obstetrician misplace their testicles at birth.

Hah. Go off and vote for your socialist candidates, you tofu-farting fools. Not like I give a shit. You and I both know that unless you live in a blue state, it won't make a damned bit of difference come November.

Meanwhile, I'll be loading the new seventy-five round drum into my Kalasnikov, ready to shoot any of the drug-crazed buck-knife wielding looters that Ivan will inevitably bring to my shattered and flooded doorstep.

To the rest, lock and load, y'all. Help is on the way. *snaps salute*