It took me to a while to realise where this 'Internet' thing comes from. After I first managed to decode the signal and connect, I thought it was a signal from the civilisation of some species I hadn't heard of before, and hoped it might be new to everyone. Then when I looked more closely I thought it was a clever fake: an easy mistake to make given all the references to three-dimensional space spread around it. Everyone knows that life in three dimensions is impossible, and intelligent life even more so. But then I couldn't find any mistakes in the presentation of 3D life, so now I think I may have found a leak from some kind of parallel universe or from a civilisation confined to a three-surface in this universe. Of course, that is even more interesting than a new species, so I am about to become famous for this discovery, and very possibly rich and blessed with many offspring. So as an expression of my gratitude, let me introduce myself and tell you a few things about life in my world:

I suppose that from your point of view the most striking difference between your world and mine is that mine is a 'star' and not a 'planet.' Given the inverse-cube law of gravity that applies 'here,' orbiting planets such as the one on which you live are not possible. Conversely, gravity at the surface of a body large enough to sustain nuclear fusion at its core is not as crushingly great as it is in your world, and the heat the fusion generates is also dispersed more quickly, since the size of the volumes it propagates through as it moves towards the surface is proportional to the cube of the distance from the centre, rather than the square of it as in your sun, since they are the 3-dimensional surfaces of 4-dimensional spheres rather than the 2-dimensional surfaces of 3-dimensional spheres. So the surface of Uniworld is a pleasant temperature and gravity does not flatten us.

You will have noticed my misuse of your words 'universe' and 'world' to translate the name of my world. I think this is the best solution to a difficult problem, given that nobody here knows if there are any other worlds like it. Or to put it another way: as far as I know, no-one has even thought about whether there might be. Meteors sometimes fall from the sky, but that has never led anyone to think that there might be something as big as the world out there. When we look up into the sky we do not see the 'stars', if there are any: the light from their surfaces would be too dim to start with, would also get dimmer much quicker than it does for you (another inverse-cube law), and anyway the top layers of our atmosphere are reflective: you could say it's always cloudy. This wonderful new idea of other 'worlds' is one of the things that will draw many females towards me.

So much for cosmology. Before you begin to pity us for the narrowness of of our known unniverse, remember that we have the whole of the surface of a star to call our own, and that this surface is three-dimensional. There is room on Uniworld for as at least as much beauty and wonder as you seem to have found with your telescopes, and it is all accessible if you can afford the plane fare, or if you live long enough to walk, as some species do. And there is another difference between here and your world: intelligent life is abundant on Uniworld, and by that I do not mean that there are many like me (which there are), but that there are uncounted intelligent species. The huge amount of space available to life on Uniworld means that we have uncountably more species than on your Earth, not all of them related to each other, since life has arisen many times. Apart from that, intelligence can arise much more easily here because it is easier to create many complex connections in a small space: remember that the volume of a portion of space (such as that occupied by a brain) varies as the fourth power of its linear dimensions, not merely as the cube of it. So a slightly bigger brain has room for far more neurons (although not all species have brains based on anything analogous to neurons), and each of them is relatively close to far more other neurons.

So we live in what in your terms is a huge world, and have constant dealings with what in your terms would be aliens. And of course we are much cleverer than you. Which brings me to me. It will not be easy to describe my beautiful physique using your language so poor in spatial prepositions, but I will try:

People of my species (there are about three trillion of us) have the trilateral symmetry found in many species in the region around ten million multiples of my body length across where most of us live (we like open spaces, which is why our population is so thinly scattered). In accordance with that I have six limbs in all, corresponding to the six faces of the cuboidal arrangement of the legs of most lower animals in this region. This is a fairly common body geometry for animals with an endoskeleton, although in theory only four legs are required for stability in all three planar dimensions. At some time in the past my ancestors took advantage of this fact to start using two of their forelegs for manipulation of their environment while keeping the other four in a tetrahedrally symmetrical arrangement on the ground. But the mention of the tetrahedron should not lead you to imagine that I have a pointy bottom: everything is gracefully rounded, and my body has a slightly flattened spherical cross-section.

You should imagine my face as more or less a rounded cube (remember the basic trilateral symmetry!) which has been bent around one side of the oblate hyperspheroid of my head, with my three eyes arranged more or less a third of the way to its centre from the centres of three of its faces, and my ears further outwards and towards their rear corners. (Some of what you would think of as hearing is done by my hair, which covers much of my head and my hands and feet.) My mouth is around a quarter of the way from the centre of the cube to the corner of it between my eyes. It has three rather lovely and sensuous lips, one of which flexes in the middle as I open my mouth, which forms a rounded tetrahedral opening for the purposes of eating, and becomes spherical if I am being greedy and open my mouth really wide. Breathing and speaking are carried out exclusively through my nose, with its four nostrils, located on the top of my head. My colouration is indescribable, not just because of its beauty, but also because there is no way to translate between our colour terms. (Presumably the visible spectrum to which our eyes are sensitive would correspond to your infra-red light, since we see heat and the reflection of heat.) My skin features an attractive cubically-repeating pattern of spherical spots, darker on the outside than the inside, with a thin light and dark hexagonally tiled outline. In the expectation of the pleasant activities resulting from my forthcoming fame, the contrast of the pattern is increasing.

On another occasion perhaps I will tell you more about our art, our architecture and our literature. But I must go forth and achieve fame and fortune, and think I have given you quite enough to consider for the moment, given how slowly you think. Maybe by then I'll have thought of some way to tell you my name. Your musical notation just isn't fine-grained enough.

Nice troll guys, very imaginative. But life on disks of dirt dark on one side? You can't seriously expect anyone to swallow that. Still: I have to admit the AIs you have writing this stuff are pretty endearingly thick.