Or: How to Build an Invincible Army of Iron-Fisted Evil Ewok Cannibals
Ingredients needed to create said army:
1 boxing kangaroo
1 tribble (or Martian flat cat)
1 bottle Jack Daniel's whiskey
1 40 pound sack of grain
1 cannibal shaman (generic or otherwise)
Yep. That's all it takes to create and maintain an unstoppable army of fierce warriors, loyal to you. The boxing kangaroo should be of the type seen on Loony Toons; a real tribble a la Star Trek, not the cheap novelty store toy, should be used. The Jack Daniels is self-explanatory. The sack of grain can be substituted with anything that tribbles will eat. Your shaman is the important part: he/she must be loyal to you and remain so. Payment to him/her must always be paid in full and on time to avoid being cursed or eaten.
Okay, now the magic part: make like South Park and mate the kangaroo and the tribble, using the good ol' JD as a catalyst. Once you have a few offspring, examine your new creations. They should be hairy, squat little things, but able to jump very high and punch hard. These are your foot soldiers. The tribble genes will allow for easy reproduction, and the kangaroo half will make each a warrior so fierce even Sylvester can't stop them.
Now the shaman comes in. He will teach your first few minions how to eat their own dead, so that when you suffer losses on the battlefield, they can be replenished during battle (thanks to the miracle of Tribble Genetics). They will, of course, also need to eat the dead of your enemies to cover energy expenditures (this could be a problem if you're fighting robots). Together you and your shaman should twist and dement the minds of your new soldiers like those of small children.
Now, your minions are educated and willing to serve you. Feed them dinner! That forty pounds of grain will bring you your first generation of warriors. They will be ready for battle almost immediately, as their parents will have passed on the knowledge you and your shaman gave them. So, find a small country or other adversary worthy of being your first conquest. Send your new army in and raise hell! The likelihood is that your army will quickly grow in size as the enemy becomes at first fatigued and then overwhelmed by the undiminishing number of your troops.
Congratulations! You are just a few steps from complete World Domination! All you have to do now is keep that army growing, keep 'em loyal, and make sure you leave enough of the world intact that you have something to rule over! Oh, and savor the sick joy of having tribbles conquer the world.
A few more notes on breeding with tribbles:
1. You can theoretically mix a tribble with just about anything mammalian, so throw in a little camel DNA to adapt your soldiers for those lucrative oil wars in the Middle East, or grizzly if you need some heavy artillery. But don't blame me if you get some kind of genetic freak, this is all just theory.
2. Never, EVER, EVER mix tribble and rabbit DNA. The resulting reproduction curve would turn the entire solar system into one big fuzzy ball of cuteness, hurtling across the galaxy in a borg-like assimilation of anything it can eat! Is that how you want the world to end?
See my eventual node on the basics of Tribble Genetics.