Right now.
Right now I'm listening to
Something I Can Never Have by
Nine Inch Nails.
Right now I'm cold, alone, and my
lungs hurt.
I just walked across town, in the rain,
chainsmoking a pack of
cloves.
"Those things'll kill you!"
I
know.
A few months ago, I met a girl.
She worked with me on the school newspaper. "Kinna
quirky" I thought. She turned out to be alright.
A few weeks ago we started seeing each other as friends.
Two weeks ago I fell in
love with her.
She was dating some guy. A complete
ass. They were dating for a little less than a week.
Story of my life.
A week ago, I
kissed her.
She had broken up with the
asshole boyfriend. It was 2AM. She called me, asking to get
coffee. We later ended up at her place, watching some
movies. We were curled up on the
couch together. I leaned in and kissed her. She pulled away. "
Rebounder" she called me. I felt horrible. I called her a couple days afterwards to apologize.
Today I'm sitting in my room, alone,
lungs aching.
Things became better after I called. A few hours ago, we were watching movies again. I was sitting
fetal at the end of the couch, afraid to lay a finger on her. She asked how old I was (it had never come up before). I told her. "
Eighteen", I said. She's 23. "Well that makes me feel
pathetic about last time you were here.". Ouch. Normally, when she wants to spread out on the couch she just does it. Today she asked me to get off. She fell asleep, and I started writing. I explained to her that I wasn't driven by
lust, a quest for an 'easy lay'. I explained to her that I liked her a lot. I challenged her age
discrimination. I left the letter in front of her TV, grabbed my stuff (sans
cellphone. Fuck, I forgot it there), lit a
clove, and began walking home in the
rain.