The Homosexual Agenda
(Gleefully adapted from a cute, but blank, notepad I once saw)
6:30 am:Wake. Remove sleep mask. Begin drawing bath. Play Franz Liszt CD
6:45 am: Add scented bath oil and rose petals to the bath. Apply honey and avocado face mask. Place cucumbers and teabags over the eyes to reduce swelling.
7:05 am:Soak in bathtub. Enjoy Franz Liszt.
7:45 am: Relunctantly get out of tub. Decide which outfit looks the best. Choose the armani suit and the hand-painted silk tie. Quickly gel morning hair.
8:26 am: Finish dressing. Look in the mirror to make sure all the creases are in neat lines. Decide to frost hair.
8:35 am:Leave for work.
8:57 am: Stop into coffee shop and order a double Caramel Mocchaccino Valencia, or other pretentious drink. Look at scones, decide not to eat one.
9:07 am: Breeze into work. Compliment receptionist on her stunning fashion statement, try not to laugh.
9:15 am: Call best friend. Pretend it's important business. Gossip shamelessly about your ex-boyfriend's current beau and his horrible fashion sense.
10:45 am: Finish phone conversation. Attempt to look busy for fifteen minutes.
11:00 am: Dash out for lunch at trendy new fusion restaurant with sharp-tongued female friend.
11:15 am: Arrive for lunch exactly fifteen minutes late. Kiss friend on cheek. Gossip ruthlessly.
2:05 pm: Finish up bottle of house wine. Kiss friend goodbye.
2:07 pm: Call best friend on cell phone. Tell everything you learned at lunch. Chuckle smugly.
2:22 pm: Arrive back at work. Manage to look busy for forty minutes.
3:02 pm: Dash off for appointment with personal trainer.
4:03 pm:Shower. Call hairstylist and beg to be fit in for a walk-in
4:32 pm: Arrive at hairstylist. Get wash, rinse and color.
5:57 pm: Leave hairstylist. Decide the color is horrible. Call ex and cancel dinner.
6:07 pm: Subjugate the Earth with unholy legions of devoted minions. Destroy the nuclear family. Outlaw Religion and sack the Vatican.
6:45 pm: Meet best friend for cafe au lait and a light snack. Discuss vacation plans.
7:45 pm: Briefly attend fete at art gallery. Ask cute sculptor if he'd ever been to a circuit party. Slip him home phone number
8:55 pm: Arrive for enzyme facial and steam bath at trendy spa.
9:22 pm:Go home. Change into adorable Dolce & Gabbana outfit.
9:35 pm: Arrive five minutes late for Foreign Art film. Loudly talk about your four-week affair with the lead. Pretend you understand dream sequence.
11:50 pm: Go clubbing. Flirt with muscular bartender.
2:03 am: Leave club with several phone numbers, but no unemployed skanks.
2:27 am:Set alarm. Get dressed for bed. Place on sleep mask.