Daily Humour: October 21, 2000 (thing)

Until I figure out what to do with these jokes (some of which are quite good), I've removed all the other humour nodes, and will keep it all here for a short while. Thanks you for your patience.

tomorrow's humour

I don't know whether this is a good idea or not, so I'm trying it out. It's really tough to post humour on E2, as it usually has to be under node titles like How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?, which is both annoying, and unreachable.

I personally like to get a daily dose of fact and a daily dose of humour here on E2. I had a talk with moJoe a while back, and he agreed (actually he brought it up) that fact and humour are the cornerstones of E2. So why not make it more easily accessible?

Enough rambling. Now for a disclaimer: E2 is a very PC place. So if you are a sensitive person who can't stand non-PC jokes, please don't read the NPC jokes. I do not mean to offend anyone. It's all in jest.

PC jokes

• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
  I said, "No."
  She said, "Okay, forget it."
• Q: What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
  A: Sparky
• Q: What is the first letter in yellow?
  A: Y.
  Because I want to know.

NPC jokes

• Q: What is blonde, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's dream every night?
  A: Hanson
• If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
• Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
  A: Sexual harassment.
• Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
  A: $3.99 a minute.

Todays Humourous Node referral: Why did the chicken cross the road?

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yesterday's humour tomorrow's humour

Today's disclaimer: The NPC jokes are not PC, so if you are offended by such humour (or as you would put it "That's NOT funny"), don't read them. Because of all the PC-ness on E2 I'm a bit concerned about putting non-PC jokes here. I'm not concerned about downvotes, I just don't want anyone to hate me for the wrong reasons. I don't mind anyone hating me for the right reasons, but not racism, anti-semitism, chauvenism, feminism... you get the idea. So I did warn you. Today I will be offending Mexicans and blondes."

PC jokes

• In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.
  "Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"
  "No its not. It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"
  The lady leans over and says "Excuse me boys, but I think you'll find the word is spelled 'W-O-M-B'".
  First little boy looks at the other and then back at the lady and replies "Ya know, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one shit underwater before!"

• I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time on my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Mouse" position.

  The second hint was a little more tragic . . .

  As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

NPC Jokes

• Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
  A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
• Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
  A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
• Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
  A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Today's Humorous Node referral: The World's Shortest Joke

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yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away . . . . . for tomorrow is another day

Today's disclaimer: Today I will not have a PC humour section. As a tribute to the middle east crisis, I will be offending Jews and Arabs. If you are offended by non-PC jokes, don't read on. Also, if you speak Arabic, I apologize profusely for the incorrectness of the language. Arabic, Yiddish - it's all the same to me.

Jews

• Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
  He breaks his nose.
• How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
  She has a headache with the milkman.
• Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".
  People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away.
  As he goes, the Jew turns to the other one and says: "Chaim, he would teach us business..."
• A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
  "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
  "What did you do?" asked the father.
  "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
  "And what did he say?" pressed the father.
  "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
  

Arabs

Useful phrases for Arab travel

• AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN
  thank you for showing me your marvellous gun.
• FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR
  I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
• SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE
  I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
• AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST
  it is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
• FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
  if you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
• BALLI, BALLI, BALLI.
  whatever you say!!!
• MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH GHORBAN
  the red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency.
• TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST NO BEGERAM
  the water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you, I must have the recipe.

Today's humorous node referral: how many "how many..." jokes does it take to make a metanode?

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yesterday, when I was mad . . . . . . I love you, tomorrow

Today's disclaimer: The PC jokes are not always too PC, but they shouldn't offend anyone. The NPC (non-PC) should not offend racists, bigots, chauvenists and anyone who is not Pee-Wee Herman. (In that order).

PC Jokes

• Q: What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
  A: A pit bull.
• Q: Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
  A: They all have phones.
• Q: What has lots of little balls and screws old ladies?
  A: A bingo machine.
  

NPC Jokes

• Q: How did the Germans capture Poland so easily?
  A: They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.
• A store opened in Harlem offering a "decolorization" process, which promised to lighten even the darkest skin and eyes - for $99.
  Otis and Tyrone saved up their money, and Otis dragged his friend to the shop with him. In he went, emerging half an hour later with white skin and blond hair.
  Tyrone's eyes bulged. "Hey, man, you look fine. Listen, I only got 98 dollars, can you spare me the extra dollar?"
  Otis' blue eyes narrowed. "Get a job," he snapped.
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• Q: What 3 famous people were shot in the back of the head?
  A: Lincoln, Kennedy and the guy sitting in front of Pee-Wee.

Today's Humorous Node referral: the funniest thing ever on The Simpsons

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yesterday is only a click away ... I'll be back

Today' special:

Elephant jokes

I am assuming you know the following:
Q: How many elephants fit in a VW bug?
A: Four: two in the front, two in the back
Q: How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
A: 1) Open the door 2) Put the elephant in 3) Close the door
Q: How do you put a giraffe in a fridge in 4 steps?
A: 1) Open the door 2) Take out the elephant 3) Put the giraffe in 4) Close the door
Q: The lion called a meeting of all the animals. Who didn't attend?
A: The giraffe; it was in the fridge
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

• Q: What is grey and not there?
  A: No elephant.
• Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
  A: four: two in the front, two in the back.
• Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a cherry?
  A: The colour.
• Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
  A: Depends on the number of elephants.
• Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
  A: Lots of room.
• Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
  A: "Oh no, here comes aherd of elephants over the hill!"
• Q: What did Jane say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
  A: "Oh no, here comes a herd of cherries over the hill!" (Jane's colour blind)
• Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
  A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
• Q: What is a furry alligator?
  A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
• Q: Why are pygmies so short?
  A: They can't tell time.
• Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
  A: Sir.

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I've got 90,000 pounds in my pyjamas ... I've got 40,000 French Francs in my fridge

Today we have:

Drummer Jokes

First, in order to understand these, you must realise 3 important facts about drummers:

1. Drummers are dumb
2. Drummers have a lousy sense of time
3. Drummers are lousy musicians

These facts are agreed upon by the music community

• Q: How do you recognise a drummer?
  A: He's always hanging around musicians.

• A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
  The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

• A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
  "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
  "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
  "This is a travel agency."

• A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
  After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
  "Bass solo."

• Q: If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
  A: The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

• from the Drummers Dictionary:
  Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo.

• So many drummers, so little time.

• Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
  A1: The knocking speeds up.
  A2: He doesn't know when to come in.

• Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
  A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

• One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
  "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

Thanks to OGI dep. of CS & eng.

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before ... and ... after

Before you read the jokes:
What to do if you are offended by today's jokes? Well, think of it this way: if you upvote me, I'll get to level 6 faster, which means I'll put a picture of myself on my homenode faster, which means you'll be able to find me faster.

Beer Jokes

• A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says that he cannot serve a piece of string.
  The piece of string moves on to the next bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says that he cannot serve a piece of string.
  The piece of string, rather upset with its situation, begins to twist and turn itself into various positions and starts pulling at its ends.
  He asks the bartender again, for a beer. The bartender replies "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string".
  The piece of string replies "I'm a frayed knot."

• A white man, a black man, and a Mexican are walking on a beach. One man spots an old oil lamp, picks it up and rubs it. A genie appears and says since there is three of them they only get one wish each. The black man thinks and says, "I wish that me and all the other blacks in America will be sent home to our native land of Africa." The genie grants his wish and he and all the blacks are gone.
  The Mexican says "Yeah, that's a good idea," so he wishes for the same thing, but for all the Mexicans.
  The genie asks the white man if he would like something similiar to the other two. The man replies, "No, I'll just have a beer. It doesn't get any better than this.

• A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He sits down on a stool and puts the alligator on the bar. After calling the bartender over he asks, " Do you serve Niggers here?"
  The bartender replies," Yes we do. This is an equal opportunity bar and I wish you wouldn't use that term."
  The patron replies, "Good. I'll have a beer and my alligator here will have a Nigger."

• This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
  Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
  Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
  The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
  "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
  The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

  ---

  Was Halloween yesterday? . . . Is Halloween tomorrow?

  Mommy mommy jokes are always tasteless and often offensive. It is obvious there is no place for this kind of humour on Everything2.

  Mommy Mommy Jokes

  • Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
    Shut up and drink it before it clots.

  • Mommy, Mommy! Can I have a bike for Christmas?
    Nope. You already have your wheelchair.

  • Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
    Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

  • Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
    Shut up, and help me reload.

  • Mommy, Mommy! I keep going round in circles!
    Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

  • Mommy, Mommy! How far is Australia?
    Shut up and keep swimming.

  • Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
    Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
    Billy! I said let go of her ear!
    All right Billy, give me the ear.

  • Mommy, Mommy, dad's been run over in the street!
    Don't make me laugh; you know my lips are chapped.

  • Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
    Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

  • Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
    Shut up and deal.

  • Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
    Shut up and get away from the dart board!

  • Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
    Shut up and stop squirming.

  • Mommy, Mommy! Can I have a cookie?
    Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf.
    But mommy, I haven't got any arms!
    No arms, no cookie...

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  yesterday's gone . . . tomorrow is another day

  Due to the unexpected success of yesterday's Mommy mommy jokes (the node didn't get nuked), I am coming at you today with more mother jokes, or as my good buddy Sadaam would put it The jokes of all mothers.

  Yo momma jokes

  • Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

  • Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

  • Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

  • Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

  • Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

  • Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a Cheerio .

  • Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture.

  • Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

  • Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.

  • Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.

  • Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

  • Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

  • Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.

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  Daily Humour: November 1, 2000 Yesterday . . . Tomorrow

  Today we have lame and unrelated jokes because I spent all evening writing a stupid web page for my Advanced Internet Topics class, and couldn't do any proper research for the Daily Humour node. That web page could have actually been a daily humour node on its own, if E2 ran applets.

  Lame Unrelated Jokes

  • Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Bubba how about The Pope", his boss replies.
    "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
    So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
    Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

  • Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
    "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
    When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
    The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
    After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."