fascinatingly detailed bullshit log
I want to apologize for dumping the probably-mundane details of my life on e2. It's lame, I know. But, I was thinking about it, and I'm probably not going to stop doing it. Without e2, I would probably have no one to talk to about, well, anything. I'm dead serious about this. My best buddy is deploying for the second time when the end of this school quarter comes up. My younger brother has just turned in his papers and will be serving an LDS mission to who-knows-where in about a month. Other than Toni, these are the only people I talk to in real life.
And now, Toni's gone.
Things have been strained for the last month or so. We were starting to become distant, and the intimacy we'd had barely a year ago was gone. I, in my standard way, didn't speak up about it, hoping that I'd be able to discern what was wrong and be able to work through it. Last night, we finally sat down and talked about what was going on.
It turns out that the reason we weren't intimate any more is because... well, there are a lot of reasons. Some bigger, some not so big.
In what feels like a fucked-up way, I'm actually rather happy for her. I love her, and I want her to be happy more than anything else, and if not being with me is what it takes, then that's what it takes, and I'm willing to do it. We're parting on the best terms possible; neither of us is mad at each other, we're still friends. In fact, because we've signed a lease on our apartment, we're going to be roommates until August of 2009. I'm not going to think about what that's going to do; I'm not trying to think about this very much right now anyway.
The problem is that I'm absolutely fucking terrified of being emotionally alone again. I've been in some kind of romantic relationship ever since I started high school, and I thought I'd found the woman I wanted to marry in Toni. I'm a fuckin' shut-in nerd, I have no idea how to meet new women. Toni and I have been together for the last four years, and I've gone from being a emotionally retarded depressive selfish bastard to what feels like a rather decent and caring person. I don't regret our relationship at all; she makes me want to be a better person. To tell the truth, I'm actually relieved. Living with that tension and discovering that none of it is actually my fault is a huge weight off my shoulders.
It's all the little habits and stuff I've built up that, when I have to stop myself partway, feels like a little sucker punch to the gut. I stopped wearing my ring this morning, and it literally feels like I'm missing some flesh from that finger.
This hurts like fuck.