last friday, i decided that i wanted to try something with someone of the same sex. i have no problems kissing someone of the same sex (as long as i find them agreeable) and enjoy the closeness that a hug can bring to male-female or same sex relationships. mix that idea with alcohol, pot, a night on the town ending up in the usual social club, and a gay person.
my friends and i all met up in the pub as we usually do, i work with most of these people so the last thing i'd want to do is embarress myself and have to face them on monday. they all know me as straight, but completely hopeless at finding someone to get intimate with which meant that one of the general group aims for the night (aside from getting pissed) was to get me a shag. Plenty of drinks later, in the social club, I decide to take control of the situation. I announced to certain friends that i felt the way i did and promptly tried to fling myself at this gay person who i really did not bother to talk to first. I minced around the club feeling like a right queer, and loving it.
I never did get to do anything. I ended up in the back of a taxi crying on my friends shoulder, not knowing whether i was happy about what i had done, or scared of the consequences that may arise. Happily, I found it easy to talk to other friends who had not been there about what i had got up to, though i am dreading tomorrow. I dont personally feel bad about it, but it is other peoples attitudes that make it so hard to feel that you are a normal and great person, something which i felt on friday for the first time in years.