Unwritten rules for driving in Massachusetts:
Everyone else is an idiot. Their entire goal in life is to make your life miserable. They will do this by cutting you off, thwarting lane changes, tailgating, blocking traffic, slowing to a crawl for accidents, and throwing you all manner of obscene jestures when you disturb them by being alive. The goal of driving on Massachusetts roads is to prove that those
around you are idiots, while avoiding that label yourself. The remaining rules will help you to realize this goal
Those yellow lights you affectionately call "turn signals" are reffered to as "idiot signals" in
Mass. They signal that you would like drivers behind you in the other lane to speed up and cut off your attempted lane change. This is because you are an idiot. Note that if you actually manage to accomplish a lane change under these circumstances, you may be greeted by a "one-finger salute" from the driver behind you. Don't worry; this is a sign of affection, and respect for your driving acumen. Reply with a friendly wave to acknowlege the fact that the driver behind you is an idiot.
Many roads in this great state are marked with signs denoting a speed limit. For example, on Route 3 these signs say you should travel no more than 55 miles per hour (MPH). The actual speed limit on Route 3 is in fact 75 Mph. This means that you must travel at least 75 mph, lest you be labeled an idiot. Those little signs saying 55 are "Posted Speed Limits" (PSL's). PSL's are just guidelines. Guidelines are made -and followed- by idiots.
When travelling at 75 mph, the default distance between cars should be 1/4 car length. Decrease this distance for inclement weather. 1/5 car length for rain, 1/6 for ice, and 1/8 in a good ol' winter Nor'Easter. Any further apart and you are just begging for some one to cut you off. This make you an idiot.
If, when in the left lane, you do not move as fast as the people behind you, they are legally bound to drive 6 inches or less from your bumper -- it's a state law. You are also legally bound to tap your breaks and/or slow down to at least 15MPH below the PSL. Failure to do so labels you legally as an idiot.
If, when being tailgated, the person attempts to pass you, you should match their speed as exactly as possible. This not only prevents them from passing you, it prevents all the other idiots behind you from passing you. Failure to do so will identify you as an idiot.
At night, a person wishing to pass you will turn their high-beams on a drive not the prerequisite 6 inches from your bumper, but approximately 2-3 feet behind to maximize the effect of the high beam in the rearview mirror. Drivers in trucks and SUV may dispense with the latter. If you in fact actually pull off the road and wave them by, as opposed to slowing down to 5 MPH in a no-passing zone, then Congradulations! You are now officially an idiot!
Anyone with a cellphone is an idiot. Possession of a cellphone in a car is a captial offense in Massachusetts, and, aside from proving that you're an idiot, it will land you in jail for life (Unfortunately, there is no death sentence in Massachusetts). There are no exceptions. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse.
The basic rule of thumb is that, as previously stated and utterly without exception, everyone else on the road is an idiot. Everyone is out to slow you down, piss you off, and make you late for that 8 AM meeting, because, der, they're idiots.
This message brought to you by the Massachusetts Highway Dept., the Massachusetts
Department of Motor Vehicles, and the Massachusetts State Police Force.