The Golden Child (person)

"So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?"

Back in a time called the eighties, things now unthinkable would happen quite regularly: Chevy Chase was a hot A List actor who made his studio 155 million cool bucks by starring in three comedies within only one year. Michael Ritchie was a sought after director. George Lucas made Howard the Duck (why?). Kurt Russell and John Carpenter made a comedy about slavery, mysticism and human sacrifice in San Francisco. Eddie Murphy was deemed funny, and only really big movies would have a Harold Faltermeyer sound track. With other words: Hollywood was a more naive and less cynical place than today, where producers find nothing wrong with making five 'Scary Movie' films.

And still ask people to pay for admission.

So, the genre of the Comic/Horror/Thriller genre was still around then. And why not? Notable examples of this were still present in people's minds: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Young Frankenstein, The Raven, An American Werewolf in London and Roman Polanski's divine The Fearless Vampire Killers were all movies that worked very well and still hold up relatively favourably compared to some of the trash that was produced in the eighties, but the golden child was doomed from its conception. Initially set to star Mel Gibson and directed by John Carpenter, the scriptwriters of this 1986 hit had to quickly turn it around into a comedy/horror thing with the arrival of Murphy and Ritchie as replacements. The movie never recovered from that schism. Genuinely bizarre special effects straight out of the Ray Harryhausen school of horror (done by ILM), sadistic demons and scantily clad nymphic asian girls are being interspersed by Murphy's wisecracking.

"Only a man whose heart is pure can wield the knife, and only a man whose ass is narrow can get down these steps. And if mine's is such an ass, then I shall have it."

Spoilers ahead

The story? Oh yes. The story. Wait a minute, er....

Eddie Murphy plays Chandler Jarrel, a social worker cum detective specialising in the finding and retrieval of lost children. One day he is approached by beautiful seductress Kee Nang (Charlotte Lewis) to help her find 'The Golden Child', a little Tibetan semi/demi/three quarter god that has been kidnapped by the dastardly daemon Charles Dance, er, 'Sardo Numspar' (great name for a baddy) and is being held in suburban L.A. by a hellish biker gang that attempts feeding the child pudding mixed with the blood of a kidnapped prostitute. To equip himself with the right weapon, he makes a pilgrimage to a secret temple in Tibet to retrieve a sacred knife (with me so far?), finds Numspy, kills all the baddies and saves the kid, the day and gets the girl.

Ok, so far, so weird. But what's the movie like?
Well, it's a mess. But a charming one. While the story is utter tosh, Uncle Murphy keeps the laughs coming with his oxymoronic little one-liners and keeps hamming it up for the audience. The dozen or so distinguished asian typecasts (exactly the same ensemble that worked on Big trouble in little China) keep their dignity, and some of the locations are marvellous.

Worth watching? Well, better than Scary Movie 4 and perfect for a rainy sunday afternoon on the couch with a nice glass of wine and a liberal mood.