I am a fool. I'm listening to a song for idiotic, romantic reasons.
The song is Souvenirs by Architecture in Helsinki. You probably don't think you've heard the song, most people probably think, "What's that? Some Finnish music?" Okay, most people probably have no idea Helsinki is the capital of Finland, but I'm sure you do; I've said many times how intelligent you are. And knowledge of foreign geography is a certain sign of intelligence. Ask a dog the capital of Finland and it'll look at you and think, "You buffoon! There are no capitals besides you. You are the capital of all."
I am your dog, and I think I'm being romantic when I say that, but I'm only a fool.
The place you may have heard this song is from a cellphone company's animated light commercials. You know the ones, with people making animated light patterns in the night like those accidental tracks of streaking brightness that ruin, or perhaps to the art hack, enhance, a nighttime scene of a cityscape?
So, I listen to the song because it is in a commercial for a cellphone carrier and you use that company. We mentioned our cellphone brands after talking for hours for days for weeks and you received your cell phone bill and it was much higher than normal. I apologized, but I haven't received my bill yet. I thought, "Your conversation is worth more than I have," but I am a fool.
I've been doing drug studies to pay my bills. I can't fathom having a regular job with the state of my current mind. I met you at my last study. How long ago that seems. We talked. We flirted a bit. I told you I would miss you, and you said, "We'll see each other tomorrow." That's not what I meant.
For me to give to you what I want to give, which is everything, I need to correct myself. Correct the mistakes I've made. I still don't know if that means I can't talk to you, even though I still selfishly do.
You claim you don't mind. You say you like helping me out of my mess. You're going back to school to get your psychology degree. I'm moving to Japan. There is a clear divide yet I still think it can be bridged with a disastrous, destructive, delusional pursuit. Cervantes was right that romance is delusion. If I had ten hearts and one hundred arms I would use the hearts to love you and the arms to hold you, protect you, ward off any tormentors that keep you lost.
I tell you, "You are my center." However, I now realize to make you my center takes away my ability to grow. I'm leaving my wife to experience life. I was a fool to succumb to the lies I fed myself and her. I opened up to you, and you helped, but you can't be my center. If you are, then I will never know myself.