I hate relationships!!!...*sob*
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year (12 months on Nov. 16th) and I loved her always. But lately things have been going wierd.
A couple of months ago we decided to be polygamous because we live a great distance away from eachother and only get to be together once in a while. The lengths of time vary, but the last on was for 2 and-a-half months, so it seemed like a good idea. But after a youth conference last weekend things started to change.
After much thought, I decided that I wanted to monogamous again for a number of reasons: 1) While we agreed that sex (normal) would be reserved for eachother, we never really clarified whether oral sex would be included in this, and after much talking she declared that she felt that we should be allowed to do this with other people, unless I had a particularly good reason for not wanting this. I had none save the fact that I wasn't comfortable with it, but this seemed to make no difference. 2) I liked it when I never thought about other potential relationships, and I don't like thinking about the boundaries of the non-"main" relationship. 3) I love her and would rather spend every living minute of my day with her if I was going to die tommorow, wrather than spend the rest of my life without her and live forever. While I liked the ability to date other people at first, I came to realize that I really didn't care to after awhile and I prefered to focus on what I saw as the one important relationship. Apparently she doesn't feel this way. You can begin to see how I feel.
The problem is that every time I try to bring it up, she has to go for one reason or another. All are possibly legitimate reasons, but at the same time they are all exceptionally convenient. I love her as much as anyone can, but above all else I can't help but feel as though she's cheating on me or hiding something from me. Particularly when, in our conversation the two following things were said:
Me: "..but I just get scared that you might be cheating, especially after 3 of my friends who had long distance relationships broke them off because of that. I'm just nervous of cheating..."
Her: "But that's what being polygamous is for..."
While I normally trust her, lately I've began to get fearful, and this did nothing to boost my confidence. It's just become this nagging, gnawing doubt at the back of my mind, and what scares me is not the doubt itself, but rather the fact that every time I get it, I can put it down, but every time I talk to her, the feelings of doubt and something being hidden, return. I'm not an untrusting person- quite the opposite, but my gut doesn't usually betray me. Also when we were together at the conference last weekend, she was behaving very erraticaly and when I pointed it out, she claimed that I was doing that very thing. She also seemed to over-react to things that she is normally very understanding about, and she was flirting with everybody- No Joke. At least that's the way it seemed to me.
I did the only thing that I could think of- I wrote a massive (I mean like 60k in text massive) e-mail to her. My whole huge e-mail was my attempt to save our relationship, and when it got deleted, I just kind of gave up and got really angry and really depressed and cried alot, and drove my mother and father away. I wrote things like "I'm tired of being scared, and wondering what I don't know about, and being paranoid, and while I don't think you're doing anything, this nagging doubt keeps coming back. I love you and I don't wan't to flip out, but I know that I will if you are cheating on me, so...." I just couldn't deal with it. I felt like some greater power was trying to force us apart...
I do acknowledge that I might have been a little over protective at the con, but what scared me was the atmosphere of the ability for anything to happen. I like to have some control over my life, but at con it felt like I had none whatsoever. I'm scared and I feel like we're going to breakup, which is the last thing I want to do now. I just don't like the way my life is going right now, and on top of my 5:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. or 1:00 a.m. schedule, this is more than I can handle right now. I know, at least, that people won't tell me that I'm over-reacting, or that I'm being stupid here. They'll just downvote me to noder-hell. Thanks for reading, if not necessarily caring E2.
I'll stop this bitching and get back to my factual noding. For future reference- I will only use the daylogs in times of crisis or other things like this. Thanks again E2...
I...
..will...
..Die...
..Alone...