I just read
Screaming_Blue's node and was amazed at what I saw. Laid out there, in a few paragraphs, are things that literally took me 22 years to realize. I've never been told that I 'have
ADD' as such, although I certainly grew up feeling weird. I'm sure that if I had grown up 5 years later, things would have been different. However, Ive always known that I don't think like anyone else around me.
Growing up wasn't a pleasant experience for me. Not only could i not 'pay attention' to my teachers, I was extremely twitchy, full of energy... different. But it wasnt a lack of 'attention', just a difference in placement. I could literally spend hours watching a storm roll in, watching water weave a path through the sand. In my mind I had catalogued every type of weed and grass that grew in the recess field (although i didn't know their real names until years later). I knew which way the clouds moved every day. If you showed me any spot on the playground, I could intricately trace out the way water would flow, from that point, into the storm drains which channeled it away. But I couldnt keep my brain on the teacher...
Through it all, I knew I was weird. Any involuntary nervous tics or such things I quickly learned to hide. But it was the way I felt inside that i couldn't get rid of. I didn't care about sports or making friends. I just wanted to watch the rain, or draw. I would (and still sometimes do) draw out vast mountain ranges all over my notes. I even draw topographic maps. I don't know why but I am fascinated with the way they lay out, the lines of elevation crossing the lines of watercourses... the way a road would ply against both rising over an imaginary pass. I spent many years tormenting myself. I couldn't find any evidence of anyone, anywhere, anything like me.
Then, somehow, I started reading books about Native American culture, specifically the Navajo and Apache. Unlike the Christian belief system, the beliefs of these people made perfect sense to me. I began reading books by Tom Brown, jr, and realized that somehow, I 'automatically' move through the world the way he describes. And one day, I just stopped fighting. The Navajo teach that there are many strange, different things in the world. But instead of fighing them, you should learn to find balance in them. In addition, the philosophy stresses the importance of living in the moment, seeing the beauty of everyday life. To the Navajo, missing a sunset or not noticing a storm is as much a 'sin' as missing a religious event or disrespecting an elder. One day, I applied these beliefs to my life, to my deep-seated 'disorders'. And suddenly it all made sense. I still remember that day. Suddenly, I could see every blade of grass on the ground, the dendric patterns of the trees on the sky, the afternoon clouds drifting in off the ocean. I can still see it now.
I have always said that i didn't belong in this place or time. Now, even more so, i know this to be true. I am extremely instinct-driven, to an extent I havent seen in anyone else. Sometimes I can literally 'feel' the movement of water, the presence of animals, the approach of a storm, poison in a plant's leaves or a creek. It sounds ridiculous, like hippie bullshit. I expect no one to believe me. Most people don't. But it's the truth. I fit perfectly into the forest or the desert. But I can't do math to save my life. I can't sit still inside unless theres something there I am interested in. I can't even watch television. I don't 'work' in big cities. Sometimes I go into San Francisco, to visit friends of my girlfriend. It literally beats me down to the point of not being able to function. My instincts are constantly tearing at me in these places, telling me that the people around me aren't safe, that the buildings towering over me aren't safe, that there is nothing alive or safe anywhere near me. My mind works in 'chaos theory', not conventional mathematics.
I never could talk about these things with anyone until recently. Recently, I wouldn't have even looked at this node... there are some words associated with this i can't say... even to myself when I'm alone. But recently, while drinking wine with my mother (something else ive discovered is that alcohol makes me like 'other people'... which leads me to drink a lot in uncomforable situations.) I was able to talk about this. My mother told me that night that i probably would have been a powerful shaman if had been where i 'belonged'. But when I was in class, I looked like a trapped animal. Lock a coyote in a cage and show it pictures of rabbits... see if it shows signs of 'add'. Does that mean there is something wrong with it? Although my instincts are sometimes hard to deal with, they are all that has kept me alive. And yes, they have probably saved me from pretty severe problems several times.
besides the things above, I have discovered one more thing that gets me through the day.. loud, strongly rythmic music. I listen a lot to punk, ska, 'yelly' bands. I always thought of this as a different part of me but perhaps it is related to the same thing.
although this node is far too long, I feel the need to say one more thing. If your child is born like this, don't ever let them know that some would say they are 'disordered'. If possible, keep them away from teachers who would have them act as cows. By all means, tell them they are special, that they see the world in a way others can't. Tell them that it may make it hard when you are around 'normal' people. But I honestly believe it is 100% vital for people like this to be around. Genetic diversity is vital to a population. Besides, who will keep us alive when agricultural society collapses?