If they only knew. If I could somehow dictate to them my hatred of myself, my hole, my lack of work ethic. My lack of knoweledge of the outside world, the world beyond my computer, and the Internet.
Countless hours spent downloading music, movies, looking at film techniques, learning. Stuff they don't teach in the classroom. Trivia, most of it, but interesting stuff.
Being confronted isn't very facilitating, especially when I am expected to talk. It's a personal reservation of mine, and I cry easily when confronted. I hate crying in front of people. I hate crying period. At least when I do it. Talking isn't easy when your mother is telling you you're going to flunk out of college, completely convinced she's right. Maybe she is. I can't know. I'm not IN college. I'm in high school.
Reading my previous GTKY ridden daylogs, and knowing my grade history, my sliding through doors as a younger teen and preteen, rather than running through them with decent grades, and constant disorganisation, it would seem that I've dug myself a hole. I'm in this hole deep, friends. Of course, I'm trying to get out. I have an easier time of it when I'm not reminded the walls are taller than I am. If you want to discourage me, tell me I'm digging with a spade, or a hoe. Tell me that I'm going to be a failure. Because as long as I'm told that, I'm going to be.
But there's a difference between knowing you're not going to fail, and hoping you're not going to fail.
I would be of the latter persuasion.
I'm disorganised, yes. Procrastination is a good way to describe it. I don't like to do work I can put off until the last minute. I'm so horrible, I can't even finish a letter to my girlfriend, who lives in California, now, after a stupid thing the both of us did caused a chain reaction. I have pieces of paper in my school 5 subject notebook that have headings and dates, and a few lines, and then blank lines the rest of the way down.
My girlfriend, whose name I won't post here, has been a large part of my life for the past 6.3 months. She's been the sole factor I've been happy with, the one part of myself that I believe I've done right, except the times I screw things up, because I'm just LIKE that, God dammit. I made a very stupid choice, and skipped a few periods. We skipped school together. And we're paying for it now. My school in Ohio is now even lonlier and oppressive than before, because I don't see her smiling face each day. And I'm dealing. With her 2000 miles across the country, and me with grades just barely close to passing, and my parents insisiting that I join the Air Force, I am torn.
She is 15. I am 18. My senior year ends in 19 school days. I've barely made it through high school. But I'm here. I will pass, I have no doubt. No flying colours here. But I'm happy. This girl is my light. I'm not making my happiness dependent upon her, but as long as she loves me, I will long to be near her. When she tells me she loves me, I feel it. Her life has not been easy, and our relationship is good enough that I am about the most trusted person in her life. I don't take that for granted. I don't care what people say about age difference, and commitment. I can tell she is committed. I wish she wouldn't, sometimes. I don't think I'm the best person to commit to.
My parents don't know her. They don't know why I am letting this girl, this teenage girl who is now 2000 miles away, have influence on my life. I can't explain why, because anything I say about her is waved off, and I don't feel I deserve defense in some cases. I take love very seriously, and I've found my girlfriend does too. I am going to visit her this summer. Why? Because she lives in California, and I am a budding filmmaker. Every reputable source I've talked to tells me that Cali is the place to be if you want to do film. I want to see my girlfriend again, badly. I plan to visit colleges and find out what I need to do to GET there. Then come back. Why I can't do both at the same time escapes me. But as long as she is involved, my parents are convinced that I'm doing it just for her.
*sigh*
Thus beginning the argument about 15 year olds and commitment all over again.
I don't want to be the one to make a girl feel obligated or committed when she isn't ready, but when we're together, her life seems to make more sense to her, and she smiles. Since we met, she's changed from a truant to a real person. She's come out of her shell. I can't tell you how much she changed from when she came to Ohio sophomore year (August 2002) to March 2003. It's amazing. I love her with all of my being, and I can tell that she loves me no less.
So now I'm torn. Do I choose to go my own way at my parents', and grandparents' expense and loss, and great disappointment, to pursue both my love and my future? Or do I join the Air Force, where I have a sure bet for college, but potentially lose the girl I've spent the past six months with?
I can't tell you how much I wish I could change myself in the past. I'm here because I've put myself here. But what my parents don't understand is I KNOW THAT, and I'm slowly realizing my full potential. Keyword: slowly. I know my limitations. The school I'm at right now is a dark box. I'm slowly carving a door out, so I can run out and feel the sun on my back.
Whether that will wake me up or not, I don't know.
I don't even know myself sometimes. Those are the times I daylog. I apologize to all of the E2 noders that read this. I merely needed to let out what's been in my mind all night as my parents talk to me.