Looks like I have a fairly good chance to grab my ideal job, at least at this point in my life.
Apparently, marketing companies need people to watch television for them. I can do that.
They need people willing to watch TV, record incidents of product placement, and write them up in an excel spreadsheet. I can do that, too.
They also need people to write pithy questions about the aforementioned product placements for posting on the company website. I can do that. I'm pithy. I can do pithy.
For the privilege of watching television in an office (an office that is, by the way, three blocks from where I'm sitting now) and drinking coffee, they're willing to pay me $14 and hour. They don't care if I wear jeans. Hell, the probably don't care if I wear shoes (ok, they might). They don't even care if I slack off if I'm not in front of the TV at the moment. Even with all that, that's not the greatest part.
The greatest part's the schedule - you schedule blocks of television to watch with a few hours afterwards to write them up. You get paid for the block, and leave when you're done. Blocks start at 5:30 pm, so I'd be working from 5:30 to midnightish six nights a week. I could sleep until noon every single fucking day of the week and still go out with people after work. I could have my kind of life, still have time to work, drink and write and still be paid decently.
God, I hope this works, cuz if it doesn't...I'm fucked.