DON'T JINX IT!


Announcer: "Goooood evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to America's favorite game show --"

Audience: "DON'T! JINX! IT!" 

Announcer: "That's right, and here are the stars of our show -- Zat Payback and Klonkor, the Beast that Eats Eyes!"

(Audience cheers, Zat and Klonkor emerge from backstage, waving to audience. Klonkor moves to back of set by game board while Zat walks toward the three contestants.)

Zat: "Hey, everyone, how are you doing? Welcome to 'Don't Jinx It,' the game of mystic spellcraftery where three ancient, diabolical sorcerers must complete thaumaturgic challenges without putting the jinx on their targets! Now let's meet our contestants!"

(Zat turns to first contestant, a tall, elderly man with a long white beard. He wears a robe and tall, pointed hat decorated with stars and moons.)

Zat: "Solomon Bloodsworth is a wizard from Cleveland, Ohio! Solomon, what can you tell us about yourself?"

Solomon Bloodsworth: "Hi, Zat! I'm an Archmagus of the Seventh Order working to crush the will of all who oppose me. I've been married for over 200 years to my wonderful wife Esmereldreth the Crone, and I enjoy enslaving the innocent and collecting bottle caps." 

Zat: "Thanks, Solomon!"

(Zat moves on to the next contestant, a pale woman wearing an ornate armored costume, glowing in shimmering red and black colors.)

Zat: "Next up, we've got Angela De Vile, a sorceress from right here in Burbank! Angela, I understand you're new to the magic scene?"

Angela De Vile: "I've only been at it a few decades, Zat, but I expect good things to start happening for me very soon now that I've acquired the Eternal Eye of Val-Gahad!"

Klonkor, the Beast that Eats Eyes, suddenly appearing right next to Angela: "THE ETERNAL WHAT OF VAL-GAHAD?"

Angela: "Um, the Eternal Eye of Val-Gahad, but it's not a real--"

Klonkor: "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID! SILENCE, FOOL! SILENCE WHILE KLONKOR FEASTS!"

Angela: (incoherent shrieking and bleeding)

Zat: "Whoops, gotta be careful with the, um, orb word around here, right, folks? Don't worry -- we've got a backup contestant on stand-by, but while we wait for Klonkor to finish eating, let's move on to our next contestant!"

(Zat turns to the third contestant, a 30-foot-tall mass of tongues wearing a Hawaiian-print necktie.)

Zat: "Welcome to Xhalfar the Subjugator, an Omega-class mystic horror from Dimension 766924. Xhalfar, it says here you've got an unusually large family!"

Xhalfar the Subjugator: "Well, good afternoon, Zat, it's great to be here. I hesitate to call them proper family -- they're mostly barely sentient goblinoids I've uplifted from common salamanders. One must build up an invading army using the elements one has on hand, as you know. But I do amuse myself by naming them for celebrities, you know!"

Zat: "Fantastic, and it looks like Klonkor's finished up with Angela, so let's bring in our backup contestant!"

(A thin woman wearing all black clothing enters. She has very pale skin, long black hair, and black, dripping makeup.)

Zat: "Everyone say hello to Raven Ebony Darkmentia, a darkmancer from Gainesville, Florida! Welcome to the show, Raven!"

Raven Ebony Darkmentia: "Oh my god, like, thank you so much, Zat! I like to teach yoga in my spare time, I've written two cookbooks for vegan darkmancers, and I've been married for almost ten years to the very concept of evil and conquest itself!"

Zat: "That's wonderful -- glad to have you on the program! Alright, we've met our contestants, let's move on to our first round!"

(Stagehands wheel in a cart containing a young dachshund puppy)

Audience: "Awww!"

Zat: "Alright, the first round is for you, Solomon! All you have to do is give this adorable dachshund puppy a pair of wings. Are you ready? Thirty seconds on the clock and... Go!"

(Solomon raises his hands and begins chanting mystic phrases. After ten seconds pass, he gestures at the puppy. A bolt of green and purple lightning arcs across the stage and obliterates the puppy, as well as the cart and a portion of the backdrop behind it.)

(Buzzer sounds. Audience groans in amused disappointment.)

Zat: "Ohhh, too bad, Solomon, but you definitely jinxed that poor dachshund!"

Solomon: "I zigged when I should've zagged, Zat!"

Zat: "Let's move on to Round Two! Raven, this challenge is all for you!"

(Stagehands wheel another cart onto the stage. This cart contains a vintage Captain Action action figure.)

Zat: "Okay, Raven, we've got this normal, unliving action figure. Your challenge is to give it the spark of True Life. Ready? Thirty seconds on the clock and... Go!"

(Raven points at the toy as her eyes roll back in her head.)

Raven, in a discordant tri-part reverse harmony: "live, object of plastic, live in the name of the bleak sisters of the netherdark."

(The action figure turns its head, looks at its hands in surprise, gazes up at the stagelights above. Suddenly, a tiny flame pentagram surrounds it. The action figure screams once, then is sucked down into the pentagram and disappears.)

(Buzzer sounds. Audience groans in amused disappointment.)

Zat: "Raven, I'm sorry. While you did bring the toy to life, you also immediately damned it to Hell. As you know, the rules state that counts as a full jinx." 

Audience: "Awww!"

Raven: "Oh, well, that's the way the cookie crumbles!" 

Zat: "Third round, and Xhalfar, this one's for you." 

(A stagehand leads a white stallion onto the stage.)

Zat: "Okay, Xhalfar, your challenge: Change this horse's color from white to black. You have thirty seconds and... Go!"

(Xhalfar waves some of its tongues and its necktie at the horse. The horse immediately turns inside-out and erupts in a fountain of blood and body parts. The stagehand runs offstage shrieking.)

(Buzzer sounds. Audience groans in amused disappointment.)

Zat: "Xhalfar, I'm sorry, that definitely counts as a jinx!"

Xhalfar: "I'm sorry, Zat! Like I said, I mostly work with goblinoids!"

Zat: "Folks, we're going to take a break for a few commercial messages -- and to clean up the stage. But we'll be right back with our bonus round!"

(COMMERCIAL 1: Newtco Automotive Insurance: A newt uplifted to full sapience rants about car insurance and its desire to eat small insects. 0:30 seconds)

(COMMERCIAL 2: Jellygen memory supplement: Hyperintelligent jellyfish beam mind-control rays through the TV to get consumers to buy their brain vitamins. 0:60 seconds)

(COMMERCIAL 3: MyCushion pillow manufacturer: A madman sells pillows and his soul. 0:30 seconds)

Zat: "And we're back, and ready to begin the bonus round! You all know the rules: You'll have three identical targets, each of you must work to create the biggest, most advantageous transformation of the target without jinxing it out of existence! Whoever creates the best transformation will take a decisive lead -- and since you're all tied at zero, you definitely need a win. Aside from that, there are no other rules!"

Solomon: "No other rules?"

Zat: "That's correct!"

Raven: "No other rules at all?"

Zat: "You got it! No holds barred!"

Xhalfar: "Hmm, interesting." 

Zat: "Everyone ready? Here are your targets!"

(Stagehands throw three black cats onto the stage, then run for cover.)

Zat: "Alright, is everyone ready? Thirty seconds on the clock and... Go!"

(Solomon conjures a fiery meteor which blasts into Xhalfar and sets it on fire. Raven casts a Storm of Knives on Solomon and stabs him to death. In its final death throes, Xhalfar pulls a holdout pistol out of a dimensional pocket and blows Raven's head off. All three black cats run away.)

Audience: (gasps)

Audience: (cheers)

Zat: "Well, folks, for the 468th show in a row, we've got no winner at all for this episode! But don't worry -- the fun will continue tomorrow on a brand new episode of..."

Audience: "DON'T! JINX! IT!" 

Zat: "Uh, hey, Klonkor, you're kinda in my personal space. Back off a little, okay?"

Klonkor: "KLONKOR COULD NOT HELP BUT NOTICE THAT ZAT PAYBACK HAS... EYES." 

Zat: "Whoa, hold on, big guy. My contract with the studio clearly states--"

Klonkor: "KLONKOR DOES NOT WORK FOR THE STUDIO. KLONKOR WORKS FOR EYES."

Zat: (incoherent shrieking and bleeding)

(Roll credits)