"
Bless it all,
Choronzon! That's seventy-eight heroic adventurers this week! Am I not feeding you enough
souls? Do I not make myself the very
bane of your existence? Do you not feel
pain,
agony, exquisite
torture at the sound of my voice?"
"Yes, yes! O,
Prince of Darkness, O, ruler of dead,
collector of impure souls, it isn't us letting them through!"
"I don't want to know why it's not your fault, I want to hear what the
Heaven do you plan to do about it!"
"
Mazzzter,
Dark Lord,
Most Lowly... Don't bless us! It's not our fault, not this time. We haven't let one through since
Theseus! We works our hardest, we does!"
"I don't want excuses, I want solutions!
Work smarter, not harder!"
"But it's not us! It's that
vile mutt,
Cerberus!"
"Cerberus? Are you saying that my
dog won't hunt?"
"I'm... I'm afraid so. Please, please don't punish us!"
"Be calm. Stop your
sniveling. Does he say why he refuses the flesh of the foe?"
"He feels... he is no longer... I can't say it,
my Dark Prince."
"
Say it."
"He... feels he's no longer loved."
"No longer.... what? Ah, piss. Is it the
first of the month again?"
"Yes...?"
"
Fornicate me subtly with power tools and magical swords! Why do I always forget? Choronzon, do you wish to curry favor with me?"
"Yes, yes, always!"
"Here's
ten bucks. Go up above, find a
mini mart, and buy Cerberus some of those death treats."