So much in my life has shifted just enough that I feel a bit disoriented. Although much of these
shifts didn't happen today, I'm writing about them today anyway just to get them out. For the
first time in over 10 years I have my OWN room again. I can't possibly explain what a relief it is
to be sleeping alone again. Although my ehem husband (sigh) still keeps his things in here and
comes in uninvited at random times throughout the day and evening. It is my own room and I do
sleep alone thankfully, also I have my computer in here so I find that more often then not I'm here
in my own little sanctuary of sorts. My husband is a bit confused I guess on what being separated
and yet living in the same house means to our relationship. So to say that my anxiety levels are
being stretched thin is a bit of an understatement. He's has become increasingly possesive and
nosey even though he swore he was going to leave me alone. I of course knew he was lying
through his teeth as usual, but it still annoys me to no end that he can't do for once something
he's said he was going to do. Dammit despite all efforts to change I'm still an optimist. (Sigh)
Yesterday I finally got my cast off my leg. I was finally getting around really well with it on, but
now I'm back to using crutches full time again. The bones are solid enough they no longer bend
but are not completely knit yet. So that means "one false step and they will break again" or so
said the Dr. and I believe him. So now I can't put weight on my leg again for an indefinite amount
of time. I'm delighted to be able to bathe without a bag over my leg once again though. To be
able to get dressed in real clothing, pants more specifically again. I do have a few thousand in
grown hairs to deal with though. Ugghh what an ugly mess. My leg is a bit crooked now too. To
top it all off it's swollen still quite a bit and hurts like well I'll just say a whole lot more then I'd
care to be dealing with right now.
Then there's the other situation... I'd rather not go into any real details on that other then to say
that I'm so frustrated right now. There's about a millions things I want, no need to say, questions
I want to ask and have answered. It's so confusing to be so terribly sad and happy at the same
time. I'm learning so much about myself. For so long I've hidden inside I'd almost forgotten that
there is a me separate of my family. That I too have wants, desires and needs that can't all be
hidden away. Hell I've even found a few ambitions that I want to fulfill. For now I take solace in
knowing that there are some people out there that do believe in me and my dreams. That I am
capable of so much more then I ever dreamt even if all I can see of that capability is just a glimmer
of dream just out of reach I know it won't be forever. It just feels like it most of the time.
Today a song from my childhood grasped my imagination once again. As Crazy On You played
on my car radio once again I felt the song race through my soul and knew I had to node it. I want
to let loose, just let all this anxiety, pressure, feelings rush out of me. Just go crazy for awhile.
Once again though I find that today is not the day for such things so I keep it on the inside.