I miss her. I miss her more than she would ever know, or care to believe.
I hate her. I hate her for twisting the knife after hastening my reluctance...
It's my fault. I never should have let her know me. I never should have succumbed to my overly hormonal tendancies. I never should have allowed her to draw me in like that. I opened up to the one that I vowed to never trust again, simply because I was lonely and felt my cause was lost...
I didn't think Sarah cared anymore, or that she had moved on and didn't see fit to let me know. Hell, I thought I was being avoided. Obviously it was the same on the other end of it, but I hadn't moved on. I really grew to care about her, but we both repelled each other as we got closer. Maybe it hit a collective critical mass or something. Blech... Maybe it was supposed to end anyway.
I ended it alright - doing what I thought was best for myself, which included being with somebody else. I thought I was justified in my actions, because she didn't care about me anymore.. Or at least she couldn't, or wouldn't show it. What was she supposed to do anyway? Wasn't her fault - completely.
That was months ago. Most if it's been played out, and the way it stands now Sarah's depressed and Angie's still calling me.
What's different? I'm not avoiding it anymore. I will fucking make things 'right' if I have to fucking drag the truth in kicking and screaming... I don't give a shit anymore, and i've been here before. I miss her... And i feel like she needs me, or at least that i could benefit her life.
And, that night, I sat back and watched - even participated slightly - as she twisted the blade that i had driven in. I can't forgive her for that, as cold and calculated as it seems like it was, forcing me into a decision that I would've been otherwise simple. Of course.... I won't ever know for sure, which is part of the whole 'mistrust' issue.
And. . . "It's over" obviously didn't mean "it's over." She now has liscence to do whatever she wants with herself, just as I do. I feel she's slightly more inclined to go do things with other people - or at least it'd be a little easier for her, being female and attractive. And she comes back to me, wanting to do things that I promised myself I'd only do in a committed relationship - and I would. Well... that Sunday, it was over. That Monday, after her visit, I knew it was really over.
Empty. That's how I felt... I felt, well, hollow. If I had any dignity and self respect before that, it took rebuilding to get it back. Because I didn't have any feelings for her... it was just physical activity for the sake of it. And that particular activity is sacred. I felt like the worshipper that had just walked barefot on the grave of his martyr, paying no respect. If that makes any sense... If not, just disregard it I guess, and even if it made sense I don't know if it got across correctly... Blah... anyway.
That's it. By no means a full update or anything, but certainly something to chew on or for me to look back on. I learned alot from reading old daylogs, and i didn't make the same mistake the third time. hope I can keep it up.
BTW, Chitlin Soulfood of Brell Serilis is offically level 41. 5 more levels till i'm planar! And I got my Bracer of Hammerfall the other day... Umm. Yeah. ;p Lowping's level 19. Zahadum, my new Cleric alt, is level 9... Hrm... Lotsa interesting stuff. Just goofy EQ junk.
Node for the ages. I like that phrase so much. I try, but not until many (non-content) edits will these nodes be prepared to join the great etherial mist of the nodegel which is to be hardened by time... Once the gel settles, there is little chance for turning back.