February 27, 2001 (idea)

Things change all the time, usually I catch up pretty quick... Sometimes it doesn't work out so well.

Paranoia and an expectation of rejection is what got he here in the first place. At least that's what I think - my paranoia hasn't gotten the best of me, so I actually believe the seemingly honest conversations I've had with people lately.

I almost expected her to push me away - we were too close. I misread something and jumped to the conclusion that I was out for good. My reaction to that made her feel like I was rejecting her. She was working, I was spending time at home and not at her apartment. She needed cash, I needed to get away from what I percieved as someone that didn't want me around... And I'm pretty sensative to rejection. Too sensative I guess.

And an ex-girlfriend from high school wanders back into my life in a quite untimely fasion... I hang out with her a few times to catch up, hadn't seen her in two years. Thursday of last week, I was lonely and had gotten the idea in my head that the one I had been with wanted nothing to do with me.. And my high school ex was the only one around to talk to. So we went and chilled.

My reaction to that is in another daylog, so I'm not gonna retype it here. I thought I had been 100% rejected - I thought I had lost a friend that was very close to me, simply because she wanted to enjoy her life without me. I was in a pretty vulnerable state...

So I had wanted to talk to her, the one I'd been with. I couldn't thuogh... My thoughts were so scattered and disjointed that I couldn't get any of it together. She'd pick apart anything I said, so it had to be lucid and coherent... So I waited... and waited... and waited. And things changed on me - what I had to say was already out of date, and the version of things in my head was a week (or more) old.

Oh well.

Anyway... Here's where things get interesting.

Yesterday, the ex and I went to the beach. I never go to the beach during the day... Espically in February. But I didn't go because I wanted to sit around tanning all day, she had to talk to me and I had to talk to her. There were lots of unresolved questions about what had happened Thursday, and we both wanted answers. So we talked. And we had quite a rational discussion. And we didn't have sex. And . . . I didn't make a decision. She was already a little attached, and she wanted a title if things were to go on. I had doubts about the other one's rejection and just couldn't see myself in any long term or otherwise serious relationship with anyone.

So after all that, I talk to the other one. We talked, and I heard her side of the story. Problem is, I can't remember most of it right now. Doh. All I remember is saying something along the lines of "If I wasn't so uncertain about all the stuff that's got to do with the relationship stuff, my gut feeling would be to ask you if you wanted to be in a serious or committed relationship with me" Great, I fucking blew it with one sentence. Why?

She's a college freshman. I guess she wants to see what the world's got to offer for her, and can't be stuck with anyone. She needs to flirt, see the world, and have soem fun. Those experiences will lead her to have a more serious relationship later on, which will be happy - simply because the person she'll be with wasn't one of the people she 'messed around' with.

See? I've got it all figured out. But it doesn't do shit for me, does it? But . . . All I can do is think about it. I was alot more attached to her than I had realized, thus proving my theory about my dysfunctional emotional reading ability. They're there, they're pretty strong too, but I have no idea how to read them properly. Every time I try to I get confused or choose whichever reading fits the situation best. I've rarely made decisions that were in line with my emotion.

So what now? My ex from high school is the only one that's always sitting around bored. I never get to talk to the other one because she's got better stuff to do, and doesn't need any of this on her mind. I honestly don't have much fun hanging out with the ex, but I get along really well with the other one... I don't know what to do.

The ex wants to get together... I know she does. She wants a relationship - she needs the stability after spending so much time partying in the drug scene, and she needs someone that'll be there for her. I don't want any relationship, I don't think anyway. I need the freedom and relative safety of being out of a relationship.. Break ups are too ugly for me, and I'm too unreliable for a relationship.

I'm swinging between extremes every five minutes. One moment, I'm absolutely sure that I want to be with the ex-girlfriend. The next, I want to end it before it starts for one of many reasions, espically if the other one's really interested in me. Another, I'll want to talk to the other one and see if she's completely uninterested or if some found someone better or what. Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all...

Why am I telling all of this to Everything2? Probably because it's a completely objective medium from my point of view... Even if someone reads it, they don't know me, they don't know those involved... And if the ones involved ever read it maybe they'd understand. But... I've learned nobody really wants to understand.

I've just got too much shit on my mind.

I'm beginning to think it might have something to do with this 'clinical depression' thing. It's just a chemical imbalance. All it does is cause depression, which is just a lil' sadness right? No... Now I know what it's like to be truely depressed. As if that weren't enough, I'm starting to think that I'm suffering from the 'paranoia' side-effect of the 'Wellbutrin' I'm on. I've been paranoid before, but it was never this bad... I feel like people are lying on me, like people will cheat on me, like I've been betrayed and that's why she's keeping her distance, like i'm too vulnerable.

I'm just too vulnerable. I should keep my mouth shut... But I can't. I need to talk to somebody, if just to make sure I'm still sane.