Confused.
It's typical, it's kinda normal... Who am I kidding, it's cliche. The male that can't make his mind up. He's 'confused'... Riiight. Oh well... For once I really am.
By best friend has a point. I'm too much of a good person - so much so that I find loopholes to slip through my ethical quandarys. So I end up somewhere in between... I've very rarely been hipocrite or directly hurt or damaged other people, but I've left alot of damage in my wake and I'm a barren wasteland myself. Really makes me think...
And I don't think I've ever really made a decision and had the balls to carry through with it... Yeah, sure, I broke up with someone or I told so-and-so how I felt about them but it wasn't really my conscious decision. The situation arose and I jumped, or had a specific reason to do it. I can't ever really remember self-motivating myself to a decision - my decisions are a product of the world around me.
So what's that leave? My decision at the moment is to be with "the ex" in some form of exclusive relationship, even if it's going to be short-term. Of course, there's always a but.
My reservations... I don't have any deep feelings for her. Yet. Our lifestyles are radically different, as are our social habits. Sometimes I just wanna chill and code or something and clear my mind, she needs to get out of her house and do fun stuff. She smokes, I don't. She enjoys a signifigant recreational drug use, I'll be damned if I smoke a blunt, let alone a lil' joint. I have feelings for someone else. She hurt me pretty bad two years ago, and after two years of servere dislike toward her it's tough to imagine her as my girlfriend. Girlfriend? ACK!!! WTF?! I don't want a girlfriend right now! I can't handle it...
But, my friends think she's at least a little right for me. She'll get me out of the house, I'll meet new people, I'll give her some much-needed stability and affection, and we have alot of fun. Emotions may grow.
The there's her. I don't want to burn that bridge. I don't want to even move away from it... But she doesn't need emotion right now, she needs to fool around and enjoy herself. She's still young.
In the mean time I've been leading one of them around and acting pretty weird toward the other. I don't like doing either, but I've needed to collect my thoughts... Right. I don't think I ever wanted to make a decision - usually time decides things for me.
People say I'm lazy but I think I'm just scared.
In other news, I finished that dreaded PHP/SQL script to calculate my total hours! I've never gone up against such a challenge and prevailed... I felt amazingly great after walking out of the office today, like I had not just accomplished something challenging, but kicked the living shit out of it. ;) Life ain't that bad all the sudden.