03:11 -
shocked alive
...'
white as a sheet'...'
like he just saw a ghost'...
Spooky.
All this time I've been very alert, hair-trigger set. Maintaining the status quo, however, consumed me. Completely. Months and months I spent immersed in a world where my sins, mistakes, and letdowns simply didn't exist. Reality bled away over time, leaving a shell that I simply existed in.
In real life I've become so paralyzed by my fears of misunderstanding and not being accepted that the cost has far outweiged the benefits of participation. Rationalization helped me exist in an extremely satisfied state whlie life
kept moving on around me. Everything's changed.
I found out that someone had become a father, twice. That someone was on their way to becoming a mother. That someone was on their way to marraige. That someone had moved on while I stayed in stasis. Not once did I consider the sheer reality of their situations. I was so immersed in a dream world that I acknowledged, but never considered the implications of what I heard.
So what shocked me this much? Where did it come from, this itch to type something, this incredible surge of being
alive for once?
Today...
First, there's someone I haven't seen in a long time. Someone I used to adore, a good friend. Didn't know what to expect, but changes need to be implimented... To say the least. Dropped her smack in the middle of someone else's crsis.
Second, there's a friend's sister. $18 for a test, and an hour later it was positive. I can't believe it. Shock. I don't know what the poor girl can do, and being a male there's not much I can do to help her in the way of advice. I'm so glad there was a helping hand available. It was ineviteble really, but the
shock of reality bites hard. She can't afford the costs associated with it, emotionally or fiscally. Maturity comes quick faced with those odds. Her boyfriend was upset at the thought, considering he wasn't involved in the act of the creation.
After all that, the
coffeeshop came around. Bumped into
someone from the last ice age who oddly enough was instrumental in the corruption two of the strongest friendships I've had in a long time - one of which was
with me tonight. Not that it wasn't my fault, but she so relishes twisting the knife. Now she's only one or two degrees seperated from me socially, and it's disturbing to say the least. We actually had a civil conversation though, sat within 3 feet of each other comfortably, and didn't once bring up the past.
I'm shocked at the pace of the changes, I guess. The fact that I'm so
out of step with life that I've reduced myself to a passive bystander. Shocked in the extreme by my passive nature that I never acknowledged before - the way it ties into my rationalizations about lacking self respect or confidence.
Now....
Where does it leave me? I'm sitting here, literally teetering between reality and virtuality. A few clicks of a mouse and I'm back in a
world where I'm respected, accepted, and able to help so many. At the same time, I'm a few steps away from changing my life for the better and
moving on with it.
It's so tough to choose. Do I really want to see how deep the rabbithole goes? Or would I rather just wake up and forget everything I've seen? It's one of those moments when the choice is there, I can work against my will to better myself or remain in a state of
stasis for even longer...
Click-click,
click.
I'm halfway to level 60 - I can take my break once I'm there. Besides, there's that PoH raid this monday.
05:17
It's just a little bit of history repeating. Again.
One year, nearly to the day. The convergence of emotions is pretty interesting. Not really history repeating, but it's one hell of a coincidence. The most painful thing is that I haven't changed. Choices were never made, there was
never closure to the relationships in my mind.
Disassociation.
I need to stop thinking. I need to
sleep, or
escape, or otherwise
keep myself busy.
This is so close to feeling something that the anxiety is almost too much to bear. As the numbness receeds, the pins and needles are all I can feel as I wait for the oncoming rush of re--
+++
NO CARRIER
click
ATDT8135551212
WWIV 4.24
Login: kalie
Pass: ***********
--ality.
The memories are almost gone. Almost wiped away by
complacency. Emotional memories degenerated to a point where I'm not sure what's real, what's fake, and what's really relevant. I haven't felt anything, haven't cared. Now I guess I'm starting to.
Good god that was long.
For the ages indeed. Maybe it's just been too long...