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The funeral .... is scheduled for Tuesday.

I plan to use this single daylog to update this mind boggling process, as it goes on. I honestly don't know if it will be of interest to anyone or not. But since I'm in a place right now where I could really use someone else's daylog who's been through this - I think perhaps it might have some value here to someone someday.

I'm beyond terrified and totally petrified.

The last funeral I ever went to was when I was 11 years old. It was a very traumatic experience for me. I decided then that I was never going to another funeral again ever. I never have - after all those years I've apparently developed a true phobia at even 'thinking' about going to one. I haven't had any anxiety attacks in quiet some time but I've had several since yesterday just thinking about going to this funeral.

The next 120 or so hours are going to be excruciating. I am going to try my best to do all I can to keep my mind preoccupied, but I also know that I have to spend some time preparing myself. (as if I have a choice)

Strangely enough I don't think any of this has to do with my Uncle Bill, but perhaps I'm fooling myself there. Perhaps deep down my biggest fear is how I will react to actually losing someone for the first time that I love. I've lost someone else I love - the other most important person in the world to me. But I really haven't lost her, because as someone who fine-tuned an incredible expertise at denial at a very young age, she's not really gone. I doubt she ever will be to me unless the reality of this funeral brings that home as well, hopefully it won't though, but obviously it's something I've been concerned with.

The "truth" is:

I've never had to accept the loss of someone I love, guess you could think I am lucky but I don't know about that, seems those who've loved and lost many - are more blessed. Truth is I can say all day 'she's gone' in reality to me though I just feel guilty I haven't went to see her in the past 8 years...

My work has given me the next week off, this is a blessing I guess, but also is going to make the time seem alot longer between now and Tuesday. I had 3 nodes I was working last week prior to all this - now my ability to focus for more than a few minutes on anything has taken a vacation.

I have been laying on a train track... {unable to stand} with a train coming - and the fear now is worse than the fear was then. Don't really know exactly what I'm afraid of - of it being a last straw of my depression issues coupled with S.A.D. ... of it being worse and I can certainly see that it's feasible, than my last experience at a funeral? I remember every moment of that funeral and how I wanted to tear my heart out of my body because my chest hurt so bad and my mind hurt so bad - it wasn't about the person they were burying... but about the others that I cared about there and their hurt.

I think, but have no idea, that this funeral will be different because that one was for someone who died totally unexpectedly and in this case it isn't. But I also think I may be fooling myself there. If I am feeling this devastated about this funeral why wouldn't others? And in that funeral those in pain that caused me so much pain I'd only known a few years. Most those at this funeral I have known and cared about 20+ years.

I wonder if there's a 'term' for 'fear of one's ability to emotionally handle a funeral' - I can't imagine I'm alone in this. I suppose most people at a time like this are more focused on the loss of a loved one than on their fear of emotional devastation / anxiety etc that's impending. But I guess right now I'm not focusing on the loss because as I mentioned I've had so many years to think about that with him, and also I still don't think I'm out of denial on that. He was in my nightmare last night, the first time he's been in my dreams (or nightmare in this case) in years.... it was a very very bad nightmare.... one I"m struggling to get out of my mind, something right out of a Steven King novel but I just can't seem to wrap my mind right now on anything strongly enough to get so many things out of my mind..

I'd like to sleep till Tuesday, but after the few hours I slept last night - I'm not looking forward to a repeat of that. I used to completely control my dreams, and I'll make that attempt tonight hopefully it will work out.

If anyone is interested or might find some value in seeing a former 'superwoman' turned ‘emotional basket case’ deal with this phobia stay tuned. I'll really try not to be too verbose between now and Tuesday in my additions to this post. I'd like to think I'm not just being narcisstic in this rambling, but that somebody skimming this may someday be in these shoes and not feel they are the 'only one' - as I do right now. I feel a little disgust towards myself for focusing on my own fears but honestly I'm not a selfish person, my fears are in my perceived inability to handle others pain when I'm not that strong right now.

I just wish it were Tuesday.

The fear of the unknown is what’s causing these anxiety attacks and the fear OF anxiety attacks once stopped my life cold.

(6 am Fri.) Update:

No change in how I feel about the above, but at least after some actual sleep I can now focus for more than a moment at time on something else.

(1 pm Sat.) Update:

Still no change in how I feel about all of this, have been trying not to think about it as much as possible. I am now (perhaps to keep my mind off the terror of it) trying to figure out what to do at a funeral. I've seen some on TV of course (real ones) but those are usually for heads of state. I don't know anything about how a 'normal' funeral will work. I have a few more days to figure out the basics on that though - anything to keep my mind off the impending stress of this whole thing.

(Monday 6 pm) Update:

The funeral is tommorow...

Luckily - so much has been going on (alot of family in from out of town) that I haven't had time to dwell to much on tommorow yet. I imagine every minute will seem like an hour though tommorow till 1:00. Unsure how I will handle tonight now that I'm alone. I think I've built this into something so impossible for me that anything less will be ok - in other words I'm expecting the worst - so it probably won't be that bad. But then it's a paradox in a way - because I think that. Everyone but me has went and 'viewed the body' yesterday and today... I had no intentions of doing so - the last time I saw him he looked as bad as a holocaust survivor - and I hugged him... I said my goodbyes - I see no point whatsoever in 'viweing the body'. Those who did all broke down (they say) so maybe they won't as bad tommorow - so maybe tommorow won't be so hard. I don't know but this has been so emotionally draining for me that I just want it over. Next 18 hours are going to seem like years, I'm going to try and keep my mind busy but I'm at the point now where it's always on my mind no matter how much else I'm doing mentally. I'm not writting this for pity... I said I'd keep ya'all updated so I'm doing so. If I think it'll be of value I'll post the outcome of this funeral under tommorow's date if it's just more of me rambling I'll update here.

Thank you all for your support - I haven't had a chance to respond to all the condolences I've gotten here but they are touching - thank you.