First of all, you must understand the underlying
principles of how a
traffic jam works.
Traffic jams are essentially the result of delayed action and/or slow
human reflexes.
For example, when you are driving and the person ahead of you slows down for a bit before speeding back up again, how long does it take for you yourself to also tap the brakes to slow down then speed up again?
Clearly, you and the driver ahead of you do not slow down and speed up again in unison. The usual sequence
of events usually follows this pattern:
- The driver ahead of you slows down.
- You see the driver ahead slow down.
- A second later you press down on your brakes to slow down.
- The driver ahead of you speeds up.
- You see the driver ahead of you speed up.
- A second later, you press down on your accelerator to speed up.
Now what of the driver behind you? And the driver behind that driver? All those precious seconds will add up! Each and every
car behind the original
driver who slowed down must follow the sequence of events described above. Some drivers may take more
time to
respond and make the
situation nastier. Can you see how all this can be a problem?
Every time a driver stomps on the brakes, he is creating a zone of compression on the road. Cars in this zone will likely squish closer together and slow down to avoid hitting each other. This is the traffic jam. Now for every zone of compression, there is also a zone of rarafiction, where cars are more sparse and tend to speed up to take advantage of all that open road ahead of them.
Now here's the fun part. To start a traffic jam, gently press down on the brakes and slow down on the freeway. Make sure the car behind you does not attempt to switch to another lane to pass you up. Speed up again and weave between lanes and slow down again if you have to. It helps to have a friend help you out here. What you are trying to do is to get the cars behind you to slow down enough to get the cars behind them to slow down, and the cars behind those cars... etc. Now use that zone of rarafiction to speed up and make your getaway. If you have a few friends to help you out, weave between lanes like crazed ferrets, slowing down and speeding up at random. Drivers behind you will slow down to avoid you. Of course, if you or any of your friends gets into a really nasty car accident at this point, the car wreck alone will be enough to start a big traffic jam, but that was what you were trying to accomplish all along, right?
Upon sucessfully initiating a traffic jam that would no doubt infuriate countless commuters, soccer moms, and delivery boys, it is important that you make it known that your traffic jam was a result of planned and deliberate actions as opposed to other traffic jams which are caused by mere random stupidity or Acts of God. Call your local traffic news radio station and tell them something to the effect of "Interstate 666 is backed up from Somewhereville to Someotherville because the hypocritical swine of this county have failed to do their part to Save the Whales. We hope this traffic jam will offer then them opportunity to contemplate and reevaluate their stance on saving our planet!" You could also declare your traffic jam a piece of abstract performance art.
Existentialism is
that girlfriend who cheated on you.
Post-modernism is who she was with.