I'm doing a little better these days - I think
I dont cry on public transport
anymore, I dont go to bed with sore abs
from the constant low-level anxiety attack
been twisting my stomach
all day. I am eating again, I am going to the gym, I am starting to get back the weight I lost.
Then again I'm not sure its actually better - just different
. I am numb
now. flat. I still have periods of abject misery
I am finding that I indulge in some quite strange behaviour
. I seem to be looking for excuses to be miserable.
The other day, while walking home from work I imagined
that I bought myself a puppy
( not even remotely feasible
since my lease
specifically disallows pets, but anyway
). I imagined looking after that puppy, naming him, training him, laughing at his awkwardness
with his over-sized paws
. Then I imagined that he was run over.
I imagined finding him lying broken and bloody
by the side of the road. I built on this, Imagining little details, embellishing until I was totally distraught
. Crying over a puppy I don't even have.
Another time I imagined I received a phone call
to tell me my mother had died suddenly.
Im not sure what all this means
. Perhaps subconsciously
I think I should be over her
by now. I dont feel that I should be miserable about her
anymore so I invent
one of these anti-fantasies
to be miserable about.
Then again, perhaps its not really anything to do with her
Perhaps its gone further than that
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
It runs even deeper
Nine Inch Nails
- The Fragile