So
here I am on a Saturday afternoon
clearing out my desk.
The project has been cancelled and
its time to move out. I put all my personal stuff in a box and throw out the
ridiculous amounts of paper full of
suddenly irrelevant information cluttering my desk.
I '
sanitise' my PC. I delete megabytes of files. I delete hundreds and hundreds of emails - 6 months worth of accumlated
electronic correspondence blinks out of existence. With them go all the emails from
her and all the ones I wrote to
her. The
simple expostulations of love among arrangements for dinner on some
long lost evening, innocent of what was to follow. The later
tortured ones full of
insecurities and
helpless apologies. The ones where every word was
agonised over and yet still could not quite convey what we were trying to say. The ones that actually caused
physical pain in my chest when they arrived. The ones from before the time when
we finally just stopped talking. The ones that I have kept for
no reason that I understand. I delete them now. I have to
resist the temptation to read them all one last time. It wouldn't be a
good idea. There -
now they are gone.
So tomorrow I fly out to
Chicago to teach a training course for
3 weeks. This might be
fun, but somehow I think it will just be
tiring. Im doing it mainly to
buy time while I try to decide what to do now. I have not liked my role on this project - I decided a while ago to look at
resigning from this firm and moving on, and now things are
coming to a head. I got two job offers yesterday and I also explained things to an associate
partner with my current employer and he promised to get back to me with something that might
convince me to stay.
I have some decisions to make.
Kung's US daylogs next