couch (idea)

"A couch is a creature usually in a living room whos purpose is to grab your ass and induce sleep or endless hours of mindless television viewing. The experience in a couch is euphoric and is often a popular place for making out with a main squeeze." -dattaway

I've recently had to buy a convertible couch to replace the old, decaying one I currently sleep on. I thought it would be an easy choice but it turned out there are many alternatives. I asked E2 for advice and got none.

• The Fold-Out — The couch on which I now sleep is a fold-out couch. The main reason why I sleep on it without folding the bed part out is because I'm too lazy, but also because it has a very thin mattress, squeaks like a witch's joints whenever I move or breathe, and there is nothing about it which is not bent, protruding, or otherwise uncomfortable. My mother offered to give me the fold-out couch she has in her living room, which she's been meaning to replace for about a year. However, as their name implies, the bed of the fold-out couch has to fold out from under it. Therefore, the mattress is always very thin. I have back problems, and need a proper couch, so even though a relatively new couch would definitely be an improvement over my old piece of shit, it wouldn't really solve my problem. But the fact remains that the only good-looking convertible couches are the fold-out ones. They're the perfect choice if you're going to need it primarily as a couch and fold the bed out every once in a while for a guest or if, unlike me, you're a tough guy (or girl!) and can reguarily sleep on a 2" mattress.

• The Futon — Now, I keep hearing that the westernized version of the traditional Japanese futon is uncomfortable. If they were that uncomfortable, why would people keep buying them? I don't know. But my experience is that futons are the most comfortable beds I've ever slept in, ever. Well, there was that woman's waterbed in Massachusetts, once I got used to it... But that's an other story for an other time. Futons might not work for you (you loser), but they do for me. That and a big blanket, and I'm the happiest man alive. That's a big pro, but there are also a few cons. First of all, if futons as beds are grand, futons as couches are ridiculous. They look silly, and they feel silly. I mean, really! Have you ever looked at one? Furthermore, I would have to unmake and make my bed every day, which is the kind of regular work which I am completely and utterly unable to perform.

• The Z Couch — When I first heard of a Z couch, I had no idea what the hell it could be until I saw it for myself. It might therefore be hard to explain what it's like but please bear with me. The Z couch is really a bed that you fold like an accordion, so that two thirds form the seat and the back of the couch, and the third part is bent behind it, like this: _/|. You just pull the seat away from the back, and the other two parts go horizontal, folding out into a real bed with a real mattress. The major con? Z couches are ugly.

• The Click-Clack — The click-clack is the old school convertible couch. Its back is also bent backward like a slash. Grab the seat, lift it up until it goes "Click!" and then let it down. "Clack!" The back has gone horizontal and you've got a king-size bed, with a real mattress. Also, with click-clacks, you don't need to make your bed every morning. Have a cover which looks good, er, cover the bed with it every morning, click-clack, and you're good to go. However, since they have no armrests, anyone who's slept in a click-clack knows the pillows are bound to be pushed and slid off the edge and to the floor. Bugger. But, what may be more important, everyone has a click-clack. It just looks completely utilitarian, this bent bed. It's also uncomfortable, and with its back bent backwards from the perpendicular, it's impossible to sit up straight in these things.

Want to know which one I picked? I bought a bed.