#Re-rewind, when the crowd say bo-selecta. Artful Dodger - Rewind
So, I'm here at my keyboard at 1:40AM on a Monday evening, chewing gum from a half-opened packet that I just found on my bedroom floor. Ryan Adams/Damien Rice are queued up in iTunes. I've been here before, of course, but never written anything worthwhile. Yet I'm posting a node. Something must be up. I can't categorise it. Who ever has? How do you know if you're in love, or just in an infatuation? Maybe I'm in love with the idea of being in love? Unrequited, of course.
#Maybe in Spain, she'd ask me to dance in a mansion on top of the hill. Ryan Adams - SYLVIA PLATH
So I'm outside of the club, my face in my hands. I'm wondering how it got to this. I never saw Her the way that I do. I never saw Her coming. I never saw Her. But there She was, waiting to get her coat to come out and get a taxi with everyone else. I sat outside in the cold. It felt more real, like some sort of punishment for the way I was feeling. Maybe, just maybe, if I stayed there long enough, things might go away. It might go away. But it was there. And it wasn't moving. A sinking feeling. The sort of feeling I used to get in secondary school. I used to cycle by Gereldine's house, and go and sit on the nearest bench, wondering why I was doing it. I never understood. How could I? I was 15 years old. It could have been anything. This could have happened to every boy who ever lived, this could be fancying people. You know, properly.
I never felt that way since.
Until now.
I let Her and my friends get in the taxi. I'll be OK. I don't mind being raped on the way home. They didn't think that was a very appropriate wording. Neither did I. Anything to get them away was fine with me. I sauntered towards the kebab shop. Am I in love? How would I know? I've only been here once before. I've never had a girlfriend. Can you love someone who is going out with someone else? Is it simply I case of I Want You Back by the Jackson 5, or is it something else? Can you even be in love at twenty years old?
#Cold, cold water, surrounds me now. Damien Rice - Cold Water
So I'm inside the club, and the couple of Reefs I had at the Weatherspoons are beginning to work. The group are on the dance floor, and I come to join.
"Where have you been?"
"Finding cheaper drinks!" was my typically eloquent reply. I keep telling them I'm good at English. I used to be. I got an A-Level grade A in it and everything. It's times like that I question how on earth I managed it. Maybe the signatures got mixed up. She's there, of course, dancing with Her boyfriend. I try and slot it away in the mental drawer "I'm a man, I fancy all girls, especially those that talk to me." I wonder how Ellie would be feeling if she knew.
#I look to my Eskimo friend, when I'm down, down. Damien Rice - Eskimo
So I'm in the pub. Phil and I are getting a few Reefs in before closing time as we're poor students who can't afford the drinks at the club. Phil has managed to bring a couple of his friends over. I'm there chatting away, and hell, I get a number. I reckon there was another there if I was a bit taller (she waved goodbye and everything). I've never been this bootylicious since that time when a guy tried to pick me up in the gay bar a year ago. My self-esteem is soaring. I wonder how Ellie would feel if she knew. Maybe it's Ellie that's made me this way. Being able to get numbers is something I've never managed with any regular success before. Perhaps it's just the Dutch courage.
#I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now. Ryan Adams - La Cienga Just Smiled
So I'm in the club. I'm dancing with Her. The jazz is playing, the mood is, as some of my friends would put it "fluid" (hell knows what that means). Dancing hasn't ever had that meaning. Sure, I've been dancing in a way that's felt sexual to me before. Never has it felt wrong. She has a boyfriend. I like him. I like the fact She's gooily (in the eyes) happy, everytime She sees him. I like the fact She's happy. She's my friend. She has been for over a year now. Not Her. Not now.
#Dancing where the stars go blue. Ryan Adams - When the Stars Go Blue
So I'm in the club. We've been queuing for the bar together for what seems like hours. She couldn't ever know how much She means to me. I thought about telling Her that She was the best female friend I'd ever had. I thought it cheapened the whole thing. She was telling me that if Ellie and I didn't click, then what was the point? I had to agree. I'd been dating Ellie for a while, and kind of went silent over Christmas. I tried stoking things up again, only to remember why it was I stopped contacting her in the first place. She doesn't watch TV, so pop culture is out. She can't operate a computer, so work is out. She is a devout Christian, so atheism is out. I can't find a slot that I could ram the puzzle piece in. Although I wished I could. She's been the only girl I've ever known that wants to go out with me. She wants to go out with me. Not the other way around! How novel! And yet I can't bring myself to talk to her again. I feel like I've strung her along. Of course, her cousin getting cancer doesn't help. I feel like I should be there for her. But we don't click. As She says. I pay for the drinks.
"Don't you want my money?"
"Of course not, don't be so silly. I'm a gentleman."
I hear my student loan wincing.
#Nothing unusual, nothing strange. Damien Rice - Amie
So I'm entering the club. I'm waiting for Her to set me up with Her girl friends. I wasn't sure how well it was going to go.