Damn you, damn you, Damn you!
I would have been content to love you always, to stay by your side and live in your shadow, if only you would love me.
Think I am weak, if you will. But it is the truth. Fearing marriage and commitment as I did, I threw it all to the wind as I realized over the past few years just how much I had come to love you, to want always to be near you, to know only that you loved me and that I loved you - and that was all that truly mattered.
But you have thrust this new life upon me, seeking to avert your own fears, wanting to have me and yet not allowing me to have you. You claimed love for me once - now I know it was a lie. You liked me, yes. You cared for me, yes, in your own way. You certainly loved my body, and still do.
Had I known, I would never have lain so happily in your arms at night, never would have trusted your voice, your touch, as I did no other. If you had said nothing, I would have accepted it and eventually drawn away. But you lied - or did you? Did you love me once, do you love me still?
Damn you for making me doubt you, damn you for making me doubt all those hours of happiness spent in what I thought was shared love of the heart, of the soul. I gave you everything I had, bit by bit.
Then you turn and tell me, it has to end. You didn't love me, you wanted to leave, because you felt trapped.
Trapped.
I spent three of the most miserable nights of my remembered existence hearing those words, feeling my heart break and my soul shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. I screamed, and you were angry because I was angry. You didn't understand that I loved you, that your leaving me would shatter me so completely. You thought I "should have expected this."
Then you came back, spoke of how lonely you had been - how lonely you had been! How concerned for me! How torn you felt, that you had hurt me when you meant only to be setting us both free.
I should have been angry, I should have thrown it all in your face, but I couldn't. It was too fresh, I still loved you.
I still love you.
So you thrust this new life, this new ideal, upon us. I said then that I would do anything to be with you, so long as you loved me, and while the bond of one's word seems to mean nothing to you, I meant it. My heart ached, and while we never "got back together," so to speak, we reconciled. Perhaps one day.... but not now.
There are times when I am happy to be able to pursue my own fantasies and follow my hormones wherever they wish to lead me - but damn you for bringing it to this! I don't know my own motives anymore. Once all I wanted was you - now I am not so sure. I can never truly have you, and I do not think I have yet recovered from the shock of that blow.
I don't know what to do, and I am growing listless and lonely, thinking too much and snuffling to myself in the dark of night, alone...
Once I wouldn't have felt the need to seek out alternate attentions, but your lack of such drives me to it, as if I almost have no choice. I don't know if I am doing what I am doing because I want to, or because I feel I should.
I say it again,
Damn you, Damn you, Damn you!