Stay up late. Always carry a lighter. Know five different ways to describe the weather. Laugh from your chest. Smoke a pack a day
. Make insightful comments about politics, religion, human sexuality. Plant your seeds. While listening, look at her lips or her eyes. Say things relevant to your mutual interests. Eat three meals a day. Never show illness. Know when to be a wall, when to be a window
. Call in sick to work after a late night out with the boys throwing back anonymous shots
and swapping single entendres
. Military presses three times a week. Bike on nice days. Sell your car. Save your money
. Think of the future. Posture is everything: sit tall and relaxed, secure and open. Match her pace but not her step. Offer her a light. Chew with your mouth closed. Show off some muscle. Flaunt what you've got, throw all the rest away. Say just enough to be interesting. Only introduce her to your less intriguing friends. Wear more collared shirts. Convince her you think for yourself, not of yourself. Scars and tattoos will only be cool if there's a story behind them. Learn not to blow smoke in her face
. Drink gin. Drink Pabst. Drink Jäger. Drink porter. Have what she's having.
When entering a pack of your quarry, be like the hawk who, once his eye is set on his target, will proceed on a straight path until his goal is achieved. Prepare three final actions to perform should your head be rended from your body. Punch your weight. Eliminate all worries and doubt in your mind. Play eight-ball, nine-ball, cutthroat. Mystery is a greater aphrodisiac than beauty. Dress to your figure in a socially acceptable individualistic fashion. Listen to your music at a reasonable level. Speed, swerve, tailgate. Use your most creative swear words on strangers. Take blows in stride. Never complain. Always sympathise. Don't let your guard down. Nice guys finish last and alone. The asshole is the sexiest part of the bar. Take one day to go to the park to listen to music and watch girls. Shift your perspective to accommodate conversation with interesting women. Meditate along the banks of a river on what you honestly find attractive. Read books with bright covers and provocative titles. Remember what your father toldja: Ain't nobody ever got nowhere in this kind of situation by followin' another man's rules. Smokers attract other smokers, non-smokers have a hard time breaking the ice. Don't for a second delude yourself into thinking this is the most important thing in the world, that (should you fail to hit it off and form a in-all-respects successful modern relationship with fabulous sex, scintillating conversation, little miracles, unwrapped presents, late night phone sighs, pregnancy scares, constellation naming, tantric manuals, five kisses a day, two packs of three a week, these are the good times twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours a day) this is the end, this is your final chance. This is all you get.
Fuck like a punk. Write all the checks you want, it's her body doing the cashing. Show unmitigated cruelty towards your enemies. Mercy is a turnoff. Honest compliments are always whispered. No one you know knows how to dance. Pay more attention to the beat than the body. Be a little cooler than the kids in her scene. Walk slow enough to notice what other people are wearing. Be forthcoming and honest with compliments about her dress and hairstyle. No one wants to dive into a shallow pool. Be inhumanly perfect: save your favorite jokes for an apropos occasion, make insightful comments about passersby, drink a cup of coffee, brush your teeth ten times a week, know easy solutions to common problems, roll your own, talk like a river, supplement your addictions with denial, shoot from the hip, stay on target, never tread on her toes, always send roses, land with your feet on the ground and your head up straight.
Abstain. Take your bike to the train station. Ride to the end of the line. Look no one in the eyes. Leave behind this life. Don't stop until you hit desert or tundra. Forget the language. Carve yourself out of rock, bury your head in the sand and sing one note. Forget about bedsheets, pajamas, tank tops, cotton, lotion, stuffed animals, feather boas, sugar, spice, etc. Disregard your smokes, your gin, your favorite jeans, your right thinking haircut, your ferocious sense of style, your tastes, your restraint. Reenter society and meet intriguing women of varying builds with whom you can hold a conversation. Shame only lies in the misconception that there is a right way to do this. No woman likes the smell of bullshit.