FADE IN
AVERAGE CONSUMER'S APT. -- INT
It is dinner time. AVERAGE AMERICAN CONSUMER is getting ready to sit down to an evening of Top Ramen and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? when suddenly his phone rings.
AAC (picking up the phone): Hello?
Screen splits to reveal
RIVERS CUOMO from rock band
Weezer.
RIVERS CUOMO: Hello, Average American Consumer. This is Rivers Cuomo from your once favorite band Weezer. Sorry to bother you during dinner or something, but I'm calling to tell you that we have a new album out, and I'd really appreciate it if you dropped whatever you're doing and bought it right now.
AAC: Really? Wow! What's it called?
RIVERS: Uhm, it's just called Weezer, like our first album, but has an atrocious green cover instead. Catchy title, huh?
AAC: Actually, that's kind of lame. (glances at television, notes commercials are almost over) So, uh, why should I buy this album?
RIVERS: Well, it's our first in, like, five years or something. Isn't that reason enough?
AAC: Well, I've heard the radio single, and it isn't really that great. How are the other songs?
RIVERS: Pretty bad, actually. They all start with something resembling promise, but end up petering out and disappointing.
AAC: Are there any good songs on the record?
RIVERS: Well, sure. The opener, Don't Let Go, is a solid rock tune, and everything after Knock-down Drag-out is listenable. In fact, you should probably just buy my record on vinyl. Your indie friends will respect you more, and you can just play side 2 over and over again.
AAC: Hmmmm... well, does this record have any merit?
RIVERS (growing more and more apologetic and sheepish): not really. I mean, the thing is only a half-an-hour long, so I guess we could've spent about a year or so perfecting the songs and making the record more worth your money, but we were so eager to milk the unsuspecting public for all they're worth that we just couldn't bother with things like musicianship, pop hooks, and catchy lyrics like all our other records have.
AAC: Uh-huh. Anything else I should know about?
RIVERS: Well, Ric Ocasek produced it. That's kinda cool. And since the album does suck, you'll probably be able to find it for cheap at a used record store in a matter of weeks!
(uncomfortable silence)
AAC: Yeah, well, listen. I gotta go. I think I'd rather watch Regis Philbin than listen to the new Weezer record. And Rivers?
RIVERS: Yeah?
AAC: Don't ever call me here again.
FADE OUT
Rating: 2 out of 5. I feel like Weezer's cock rock semen recepticle. Only half of this album is listenable, and that half is fifteen minutes long. That's the length of a single, plus b-sides. Singles are usually five bucks. I paid more than twice that for this self-indulgent tripe. I don't care if these guys dropped off the face of the earth for a few years: they could at least have the decency to spring back on the scene with a record worth my ill-gotten cash. Granted I haven't given this album the benefit of the repeated listen test, but after the first go around, I don't even want to hear this one again.
Seriously, even the pop trash spectacle that is the REM record that came out today is much more fulfilling. If you meet a member of Weezer on the road, stab him in the throat. He deserves no less.
track list:
- Don't Let Go
- Photograph
- Hash Pipe
- Island in the Sun
- Crab
- Knock-down Drag-out
- Smile
- Simple Pages
- Glorious Day
- O Girlfriend
Three years later, initial rage subsiding, here we go: When this record came out it was like Weezer was coming back from the dead, and was going to knock all my pants off, but they didn't. Probably because I was expecting them to (they'd done it before), so I was ready for it.
This record does rock. There is rock music on it. It sounds like Weezer. It's a return to the form of the first record, without the naivette. It's certainly not the worst record ever but it's certainly not the best Weezer has offered up.
And shame on me for weighing so much expectation on a rock band. I promise I'll never do it again.