The Proper Way to Suck an Egg:
While there is no one way to suck eggs, the best way is as follows.
- Hard boil an egg. It's both embarrassing and nasty should your excess suction crack open an egg, and also rather unhealthy, despite what they told us in the 50's.
- Insert the egg into your mouth, small side first. Not only will the large side gag some people, but it has a larger comical effect when facing outside.
- Now suck. Trust me, I know you can do it. You've sucked before, you can suck now. Try not to asphyxiate yourself. Just suck.
- Now go teach your grandmother.
As a special service of the National Society of Everything Egg Suckers Society, here's how to balance an egg on end:
- Dump some table salt on any flat, even surface.
- Place the egg, fat end down, in the middle of the salt.
- Softly blow away all the salt. There are a few tiny grains that are keeping it upright.
- Go show someone who is easily impressed.
For the purposes of information, the shouted term, "I'll teach your grandmother how to suck eggs!" is from the Ren and Stimpy song "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy", as sung by Stinky Wizzleteats. "Go suck an egg" is a slightly meaner version of the same obscure schoolyard insult, "Go fly a kite." It is inferred as meaning, "Go do something menial instead of bothering me, you jabbering nit."