... is a
rampant scourge upon this earth, here to terrify us all into submission to our corporate masters who appears in
Canadian Tire commercials.
Hardware Stores are everywhere. And they sure as hell advertise. Since advertising has never been an issue of quality over quantity, we're all flooded with tons of terrible, terrible ads, used to promote the latest useless crap they've come up with. These "mini-inventions" are often overpriced, half-baked innovations on age-old concepts like windshield wipers. Advertising, of course, takes spokesmen.
The most recognizable of these (for Canadians, at least) is the Canadian Tire Guy, the middle-aged, corporate know-it-all who is more than happy to annoy his neighbours with advice on what tools to use, where to buy them, and exactly how much to pay for them. His old age has rendered him unable to remember the time-tested tools of yesteryear, so he is forced to explain the afforementioned newfangled crap, and attempt to sell it to his neighbours, as are the terms of his contract1. Every Canadian Tire Guy commercial has the exact same format.
"Oh, dammit, this always happens. My car battery froze up again. I swear the fu... what was that noise in the bushes?"
With a slight rustling of leaves, a head slowly rises out of the bushes. After noticing his steel grey hair, and staring into the determined eyes behind a pair of square glasses, you recoil in horror. It's him.
"Have you tried the new MOTOMASTER 5000 car battery? It doubles as a life preserver!" the ghostly figure enquires, and informs.
After brief, awkward banter, you thank him cautiously, taking his mass of gadgets only to appease him, and he is on his way, returning to the shadows to fix the next slight mishap in the neighbourhood.
With everything from fancy wrenches to $400 pressure washers, he's a walking, talking, annoying the fuck out of you arsenal of handymanship.
1 - He sold his soul for Rock and Roll, but now he's old, and must sell pressure washers to his neighbours.
I'm probably behind the times, but I've been informed that the Canadian Tire Guy had been dumped a while back. This writeup lives on in his terrible, scarring memory.