I had no dream last night. I always have dreams. There is always one particular dream that I could wake up and recite scene by scene as if it was an on-stage performance. All of my dreams have had a certain theme to them for as long as I can remember. Chaos. Reality is torn, logic is destroyed. It takes a while to
make sense out of them, but when I do, it almost directly relates to something in my life I'm dealing with. But there was no dream last night.
Real scary stuff.
Today was an emotional high for me. No reason, it just was. I took a long walk today around the neighborhood. I stopped at the lake where I had spent so many summer days playing near. I looked up at the sky, took in a breath of fresh air, and for the first time in my entire life, everything made perfect sense. I was instantly hit by a feeling I've never experienced before. It wasn't love, but my heart was fluttering. It wasn't sorrow, but I could feel my eyes welling up. It wasn't rapture, but I couldn't keep that smile off my face. I've never felt like that before, and probably never will again, but for one moment in my tiny, insignificant existence on this planet, my life made sense. The chaos was gone, the lies were gone, the apathy was gone, the loneliness was gone, the anxiety was gone. I was whole.
Sometimes I think about what it would be like to meet the people I have befriended online. They all seem so perfect. The perfect man or perfect woman with the perfect figure and perfect skin. They have the perfect life in a perfect world. But then I realize, the world is imperfect. Sure, he may seem like a cool guy, but what if he's a satanic ritual murderer in the Cult of the Dead Cow? Yeah, she seems nice, but what if she's really a psycho bitch who wants to kill the world? Bad stuff. What would they think of me? What if they're disappointed by some preconceived image in their head they have of me that is totally false? What if they find out about all my imperfections and shortcomings? What if they don't like me? What if... Maybe that's a stupid idea, but will I ever know otherwise? I know what they'd say. "You worry too much."
Way too much...