Stupid Girl

You pretend you're high
You pretend you're bored
You pretend you're anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

I wish I still smoked sometimes, because craving a cigarette is like craving poison, and every time you light up you know you are killing your self slowly, and you feel connected to the rest of the human race. People do that, act self destructive and masochistic. Now that I don’t smoke, I sometimes feel I have lost some part of my humanity. In fact, I never even crave cigarettes any more. As in wanting to light up just for the sake of having one. That is not normal, like I don’t know what an addiction feels like any more. The most addictive substance, more so than heroin, and I just stopped one day. So much for humanity there. I wish I still smoked so I would still crave something.

Don't believe in fear
Don't believe in faith
Don't believe in anything
That you can't break

I wish I was in love so I could hurt, it’s strange, I never really do any more, it’s like I know that none of it really matters so I just watch it unfold. I do a damn good job faking those emotions though. I guess here I am suppose to get upset, here I am suppose to cry, here, insert romantic interlude. Its funny – because most people end up perceiving me as very human, reactive, neurotic to some extend when it comes to interactions, they just don’t realize that it’s fake, like when you do make-up for a play, everything is exaggerated, I just know how I am suppose to act, what the script says, and I exaggerated it for a solid performance.

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

Applause, another day well done Susie.

Do I really care is the question… I used to think I generally got upset over what people thought of me, and repressed it. Now I know I just don’t care. It’s not a defense mechanism, it’s just the truth. I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world, becauseI don’t care. What drives you on (What drives you on)
Can drive you mad (Can drive you mad)
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

It’s hard to realize that you are really a very unemotional person, that all your reactions are an act based from watching TV. Your life plays out according to a script and you smile and nod when you should, you cry, when the cue cards tell you to.

So recently I stopped this bullshit, I stopped pretending to be happy, pretending to be upset, pretending to be anything, now I just am, and suddenly no one is recognizing me.

From a conversation late last night:
Me: “Maybe I am a mean person…”
L: “Yes, you are…” Me “I don’t think I could ever change it, but I can keep pretending…”
L: “……..”

I have also been informed that I am condensending, that I make people feel insecure. And I come off like I hate everyone. I don’t, but I stopped pretending to care, so maybe it’s precieved as dislike.

Don't believe in love
Don't believe in hate
Don't believe in anything
That you can't waste

Ah, and other people, like cigarettes, I chose those that hurt me because it’s like being a death junkie, and if it still hurts, so I must still be alive. Except nothing hurt or feels good. Fake tears, fake romances, fake conversations.

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can't believe you fake it
Can't believe you fake it

Things will happen, and I thinkI should cry now and I cry, I know when to let the tears spill, how to run my hand down my cheek and wipe it away pretending to want to hide it. I know those emotions so well they may have been my own, except they aren’t, just a well rehearsed play.

Don't believe in fear
Don't believe in pain
Don't believe in anyone
That you can't tame

Things will happen, people will say “gee, you seemed so upset about this and that, but now you are really hiding it well, you must be a strong person” and I think “I am not hiding it, I just don’t care, I cannot fake pain in the long run… Everything is in one dimension. I am never hurt, just an error in the logic, this person did not continue with the script, they are now out.

All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted
You stupid girl
You stupid girl

“How can you cut people out of your life so easily? You are strong, or cold” they say.

You stupid girl
You stupid girl

Neither, I am neither, just am…. Except people forgive, people hurt and move on and do contradictory things because they are human, I, on the other hand, just know the expected responses, like I am preprogrammed, and when there is nothing to recall the program, I freeze.

Can't believe you fake it
Can't believe you fake it

When nothing is happing, I don’t know how to act, please Run Task Manager, programs not responding, please end task and reboot.

Except I felt lonely last night, for the first time in ages I felt some inkling of emotion that was undefined by careful algorithms of the expected.

I am scared… I think I am very fucked up in the head.

You stupid girl…